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["Douglas Douglass"
by Pearl and the Beard plays]

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♪ Douglas Douglass, apple tree ♪

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♪ Have a wife, now let her be ♪

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♪ Give me, give me what you got ♪

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♪ I'm gonna make you what you're not ♪

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[audience clapping rhythmically]

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[cheering and applause]

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♪ Douglas Douglass, prickly pear ♪

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♪ Have a wife, but I don't care ♪

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♪ Give me, give me all your soul... ♪

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Thank you.

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Thank you so much.

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[cheering and applause continues]

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Hello.

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Look at this!

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Look at this.

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That...

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That is a dog
made entirely out of crayons.

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[laughter]

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I don't need that.

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[laughter]

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I'm part of the problem now.

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That's my gold toilet.

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[laughter]

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I had no plans to make it in America.

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This was not on my agenda.

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[laughter]

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And then what happened though
is I wrote a show called Nanette,

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right, that...

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[cheering and applause]

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Well, then...

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That's clear, isn't it?

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That's why you're here.

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[laughter]

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You're not here because of my back catalog
of prior, are you?

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[laughter]

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Which does beg the question,
if you're here because of Nanette...

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why?

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[laughter]

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[laughs]

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Like, don't get me wrong,
it was a good show. Solid bit of work.

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I'm quite fond.

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But it was a particular show
of a very particular flavor.

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And if that is what has brought... What
the fuck are you expecting from this show?

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[laughter]

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Because I'm sorry, if it's more trauma,
I... I am fresh out.

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[laughter]

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Had I known just how wildly popular trauma
was going to be in the context of comedy,

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I might have budgeted my shit
a bit better.

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[laughter]

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Honestly. I could have built
quite the career out of it.

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At least a trilogy.

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But I went and put all my trauma eggs
into one basket like a fucking idiot,

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and now here we are.

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[laughter]

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You want more?

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[cheering and applause]

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Just out of curiosity,
by round of applause,

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who has not seen Nanette?

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[applause]

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Even less of an idea
why the fuck you're here.

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[laughter]

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I mean, welcome.

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Good on you, taking a punt.

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And-- And don't worry, it's fine.

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This show does not depend
on you having seen Nanette.

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I'm not that kind of confident, but...

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[laughter]

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We'll see what happens.

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But other than trauma,

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you know, I have no way of telling
what people are expecting from this show.

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Right? But what I've decided is possible

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is for me to just tell you.

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And that's what's gonna happen.

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That's how
I'm going to meet your expectations.

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-By adjusting them for you now.
-[laughter]

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So they are exactly what you're gonna get.

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Then I'll meet them and you'll go,
"She's very good." And, yes, I am,

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but I cheat.

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[laughter]

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So that's what's gonna happen
before the show even begins, right?

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I'm going to give you a very detailed,
blow-by-blow description

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of exactly how the show
is going to unfold.

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Now this setting of expectations
does go on a bit.

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I've had to cut the actual show
in order to fit it in, but...

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[laughter]

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I believe it's worth it, you know?

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Like, to be able
to meet your expectations, it's my job.

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And let's face it,
this is my difficult second album,

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that is also my tenth
and some people's first.

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You know, it's a lot of pressure.

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[laughter]

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So let's set your expectations.

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When the show begins...

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When the show actually begins...

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This is not it. Don't panic.

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[laughter]

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When it begins, I'm gonna kick things off
with a bit of observational comedy.

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Right? A bit of, you know, "Have you
ever noticed... What's up with that?"

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That shit. That's what I'm starting with.

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And look, it's not very good,
I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you,

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because I'm not very observant.

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-Typically speaking...
-[laughter]

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vague as fuck, right?

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Now, fair warning, my observations
will be about Americans,

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which is, broadly speaking, you lot.

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Right? So...

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And-- And, sorry,
but making fun of Americans

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is still technically punching up,

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although that window is closing.

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-Um...
-[laughter]

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It is.

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-[cheering and applause]
-And so...

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I'm just making hay, you know.

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'Cause I can't speak Russian,
so I've really gotta...

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[laughter]

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get it in while I can. I don't know.

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I should just also warn you,

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during the bit
where I make fun of Americans...

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[person laughs]

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[audience laughter]

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[laughter continues]

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your feelings will smart,

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because I will be making fun of you there.

125
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I just need you to expect that, right?

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I will be taking the absolute piss,
as we say back home, not that you care.

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And so you'll be sitting there,
just going, "Oh."

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And fair enough.
I don't want to deny your feelings.

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Have them, please.
Let them run through you, definitely.

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But what I would suggest, strongly,

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is that you do not invest
in those feelings.

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Don't let them get a grip on you,
because what this show is,

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if anything, is a romantic comedy.

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[laughter]

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So it's just, to that end, important
that we get off to a shaky start.

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So that's all... Just don't invest.

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Feel, but don't invest.

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Just go with me. Trust me.

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Don't trust me.

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Don't trust that person.

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-[laughter]
-Um...

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Anyway...

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That bit, right?
So that's how it's gonna start.

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Bit of observational comedy.

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Then what I'm going to do
is I am going to tell you a story

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about a curious incident that took place
in the dog park in the daytime.

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Oh.

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Now, it's a fun story. It's a fun story.

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And throughout that story,
I will touch on, with consent,

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most of the major themes of the show,
so watch out for those.

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And it will also include a fair dose

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of what I call a gentle and very
good-natured needling of the patriarchy.

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-So that is in there.
-[laughter]

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So it's very important...

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[cheering and applause]

156
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It's very important that you expect that,
because it is there,

157
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and if that's not your thing...

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leave.

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I've given you plenty of warning. Just go.

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Off you pop, man-flakes.
Out you go. Go on with you.

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Now, after that story,
I'm gonna tell another story.

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What? Look at me go. I know. Classic.

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The second story
is about a misdiagnosis I received,

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and I'm gonna blame that misdiagnosis
squarely on misogyny,

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because it's true.

166
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Now, after...

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After that... That's just the needle.

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If that hurts,
get out while you can still walk. Now...

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[laughter]

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at the end of that story, I'm going to do
a bit of what I call "hate baiting."

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It's where I bait my haters.
It's a very complex idea.

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Now the way that I'll do that
is I will just say a thing.

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And I will make no fucking effort
to make it funny.

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I'll just say it and leave it there.

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I don't care.

176
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Now, I would strongly recommend
that you do not...

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You do not take the bait.

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[laughter]

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Do not take the bait. It's not for you.

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It's bad for you.
You'll be all Frothy McFroth Face.

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Like, just leave it there.

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Then what I'm gonna do
is I'm gonna move into the joke section,

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which is jokes, right?

184
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That's why I call it the joke section.
It's just joke after joke.

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It's really... It's classic.

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Now, if in that bit,

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you find yourself offended
by anything I say in the joke section,

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please just remember they are just jokes.

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Even if you find yourself
surrounded by people who are laughing

190
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at something you find objectionable...

191
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just remember the golden rule of comedy,
which is,

192
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if you're in a minority,
you do not matter.

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[laughter]

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You don't. Don't blame me.
I didn't write the rules of comedy.

195
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Men did. Blame them. I do. It's cathartic.

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[laughter]

197
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-[cheering and applause]
-Now...

198
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There we are. The joke section works
to really ramp the show up,

199
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in tone, in pace,
and also in my needling of the patriarchy.

200
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By that stage, the needle
will have become a jousting stick.

201
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-[laughter]
-Uh...

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Yep. And then, with said jousting stick,

203
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I'm going to set about
tearing my haters a new asshole.

204
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Yep. Quick as you like.

205
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Brand-spanking new.

206
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And the way that I'll do that is by doing
exactly what my haters accuse me of doing,

207
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which is lecturing you.

208
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So in the middle of the show,
I'm giving a big, old lecture.

209
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-[laughter]
-The twist? It's funny.

210
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It's fucking funny. Right?

211
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Which is exactly what my haters
accuse me of not being.

212
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So that's gonna send them on a bit
of a loop. May kill them. Fingers crossed.

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[laughter]

214
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Now, at this stage,
you're probably wondering, and rightly so,

215
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why would I focus on my haters?

216
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Why would I do that?
That is self-indulgent. Yes.

217
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[laughter]

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And, yes, I have read
all of Taylor Swift's work.

219
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I am aware of the great sage of our age.

220
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I do understand that haters
are just gonna hate, hate, hate, hate.

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-[laughter]
-Hate.

222
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:01,999
Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.

223
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And she's not wrong. They are repetitive.

224
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:05,962
-So why wouldn't I...
-[laughter]

225
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Why wouldn't I follow her lead
and just shake it off?

226
00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:09,423
Why wouldn't I do that?

227
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,175
Just shake, shake, shake...

228
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It's one reason. That is one reason.

229
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The other reason is because
I'm not convinced our friend Tay Tay...

230
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[laughter]

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has been a victim of an actual hate crime.

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[laughter]

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And I have.

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So, naturally, the way that we deal
with online hate is going to differ.

235
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Personally, I like to snack on it.

236
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Yep. Nom, nom, nom.
This body doesn't just happen.

237
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I am a real hate patootie.

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[laughter]

239
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Now, after I've dealt
with my haters there,

240
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sent them on their little fugue spiral,

241
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what I'll do then is change gears
dramatically in the show,

242
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and I will do that by telling you
that I have autism.

243
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And I'm going to tell you in such a way
that it's gonna sound like a big reveal.

244
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[laughter]

245
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But it just... it really shouldn't come
as a surprise.

246
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I've just told you. And...

247
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[laughter]

248
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:03,352
And also because everything in the show
up until that point

249
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works as a big sequence of red flags
that I have autism.

250
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Honestly, I have Hansel and Greteled
the fuck out of it.

251
00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:11,569
It is all there.

252
00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:14,363
But because I've spoiled
my own surprise there,

253
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,574
in order to make it a big reveal again,

254
00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:19,535
I have to rely
on staging and lighting tricks

255
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,662
to bring it in so you go,
"Oh, it's a big reveal."

256
00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:25,124
So the lights are gonna come in,
I'm gonna sit on this stool here,

257
00:10:25,207 --> 00:10:27,043
and it's gonna be, "Right, now..."

258
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:30,254
And-- And it's not going to work,
because you're not fucking idiots.

259
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:31,964
And then, after that bit,

260
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:35,301
I'm gonna do a tiny bit of gear
about the anti-vax movement.

261
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:38,262
Listen to yourselves.

262
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:40,473
-Listen to yourselves.
-[laughter]

263
00:10:40,556 --> 00:10:42,600
This is... You're not unusual.

264
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,518
Right, I've toured this show
around the world

265
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:47,396
and I can report that no audience anywhere

266
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,858
has known how to collectively respond
to just the mention...

267
00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:53,402
-[laughter]
-of the anti-vax movement.

268
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:57,031
Pretty much, you just say "anti-vax"
and people are like, "Ha, ha, no!"

269
00:10:57,114 --> 00:10:58,658
[laughter]

270
00:11:00,284 --> 00:11:01,786
So that's gonna be fun.

271
00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:05,915
Now, my anti-vax material is different
in tone to the rest of the show.

272
00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:08,125
At the end of it,
you'll sit there and go, "Ooh.

273
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:10,252
Well, she just needed
to get that off her chest."

274
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,255
-[laughter]
-And it's true, I do. And I will.

275
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,257
[laughter]

276
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,968
But here's the thing.
I've never met a joke...

277
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,304
that I haven't wanted to call back.

278
00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:22,723
I've never met a joke...

279
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:23,641
G'day.

280
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:26,519
I've never meta...

281
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:28,521
Meta joke.

282
00:11:28,604 --> 00:11:29,647
That's a pun.

283
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:31,524
Catch up. Right?

284
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:34,944
Now, this is a very pun-heavy show.
You need to expect a lot of puns.

285
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:38,489
And you also need to expect
one Louis C.K. joke.

286
00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:39,949
[cheering]

287
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,076
Listen to that.

288
00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:45,204
He is like the anti-vax of comedy,
isn't he?

289
00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:46,706
[laughter]

290
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:49,166
Now, I only have one joke.
That wasn't it, by the way.

291
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:51,252
The show hasn't started.
We're still in the prelude.

292
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:52,795
The one joke... It's very good.

293
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:54,964
I only need one. It's a good...
It's a good joke.

294
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:58,008
It was a day off, pens down,
have a biscuit, the day I wrote that joke.

295
00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,093
Fucking good joke.

296
00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:02,722
I am so solid, my Louis C.K. joke,
it's a mic drop moment.

297
00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:04,473
And I will drop the mic.

298
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,809
Doesn't matter how you respond,
I will drop...

299
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,269
-[laughter]
-the mic.

300
00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:09,645
Except I won't drop the mic,

301
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,439
because you don't know this yet,
but you do,

302
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:15,151
I have autism
and I find loud noises quite distressing.

303
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:16,277
[laughter]

304
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,697
So what I'll do instead is I'll just place
the fucker directly on the ground there.

305
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,532
-Just pop it down now.
-[laughter]

306
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:24,410
Now, that will take away
from the theatrics of the moment,

307
00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:27,371
absolutely, but let's not be
ableist about this.

308
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:28,706
[laughter]

309
00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:30,958
The interesting thing
about the Louis C.K. joke

310
00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:32,752
is that it happens very late in the show,

311
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:36,505
so late you will have forgotten that
I told you to expect a Louis C.K. joke,

312
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:39,842
which means I've just added
an extra layer of mirth

313
00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:41,051
to your laugh cake.

314
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:42,094
[laughter]

315
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:44,930
Yep, because when you laugh at it...
and you will. It's very good.

316
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,015
As you're laughing at it,

317
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:48,476
you will remember that I told you
to expect a Louis C.K. joke

318
00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:49,977
and realize you'd forgotten.

319
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:51,061
[laughter]

320
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:53,689
Which means you'll laugh like this.
"Ha, ha-- Oh!"

321
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,566
[laughter]

322
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:59,195
Which means I've just added a third layer.

323
00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:03,449
Because when you realize, you'll go,
"That's exactly what she said she'd do!"

324
00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:06,285
-So you'll laugh, "Ha, ha-- Oh! Hey!"
[laughter]-laughter]

325
00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:10,706
It's once, twice, three times
a lady can do that, you see. Hey?

326
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,416
-Oh.
-[cheering and applause]

327
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,962
In the right hands, of course.

328
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:19,423
In the right hands.
And you only need hands.

329
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:20,716
Who knew? Most women.

330
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:21,634
Now...

331
00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:23,260
[cheering and applause]

332
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:26,222
After the anti-vax material,

333
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:30,226
what I'm going to do is I'm going to try
and let you in on my experience of autism.

334
00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:33,813
And I'll do that by telling a story
about, uh, my relationship to a penguin

335
00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:36,732
that may or may not be inside a box.

336
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:38,108
Uh...

337
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:40,694
I can't promise you
it'll make more sense then either.

338
00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:43,197
And then I'll finish the show out
with another lecture.

339
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,032
What? Another lecture? Who knew?

340
00:13:45,115 --> 00:13:47,952
I did. Now you do.
That is what is going on here.

341
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:51,580
Now, I will admit,
the-- the last part of the show there,

342
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:55,000
I will be much more likable
than I am in the beginning.

343
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,001
[laughter]

344
00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:57,503
Borderline adorable.

345
00:13:57,586 --> 00:13:59,171
Now, you're probably wondering

346
00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:01,757
why wouldn't I start
with my best foot forward,

347
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,009
adorable guns a-blazing?
Why wouldn't I do that?

348
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:06,720
Why would I start off
being a bit unlikable?

349
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:09,557
Because this is a show about autism.

350
00:14:11,058 --> 00:14:14,311
And people with autism
rarely make a good first impression.

351
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:15,229
[laughter]

352
00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:18,315
And most people tend to write us off
because of that.

353
00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:22,069
So this is a show
that rewards people who persevere.

354
00:14:22,152 --> 00:14:26,115
Who go beyond their discomfort just to see
what's on the other side of the spectrum.

355
00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:29,869
For those people, this show does work
like a romantic comedy.

356
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:32,329
Theoretically, 'cause theories are sexy.

357
00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:34,707
Now, that's it. That's the show.

358
00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:38,419
That's everything you can expect.
Expectations have been set.

359
00:14:38,502 --> 00:14:40,921
So the show starts now.

360
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:42,506
[cheering and applause]

361
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:47,136
Have you ever noticed...

362
00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:48,929
[laughter]

363
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,561
how Americans...

364
00:14:55,644 --> 00:14:57,062
[laughter]

365
00:14:58,105 --> 00:14:59,440
are not stupid?

366
00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:01,859
What's up with that?

367
00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:04,361
You're not stupid.

368
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:07,031
I was so disappointed to discover that.

369
00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:10,868
Because I had been led to believe,
by you...

370
00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:12,995
[laughter]

371
00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:15,331
that you are as dumb as bricks.

372
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:18,876
And then I meet you all,
and then you're not.

373
00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:22,630
I mean, you've got your quota,
as have we all, but you're not...

374
00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:26,759
Do you know what you are?
You're culturally confident.

375
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:28,844
Good on you, I say. Good on you.

376
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,846
And you know who else had that skill set?

377
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:31,931
The ancient Romans.

378
00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:34,683
And things worked out well for them...
for a bit.

379
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,644
Don't invest. It's all right.

380
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:40,189
Hold true. You're all right.
You're all right, America. Hang in there.

381
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:41,857
Invest a little.

382
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,902
Now, I think it's your confidence
that makes you stupid.

383
00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:46,153
Bear with me. Don't invest.

384
00:15:46,236 --> 00:15:48,530
Honestly, I do, because confidence...

385
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:52,117
Confidence makes you stupid,
and I'm very confident in that opinion.

386
00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:56,372
Because you're so confident
in your American-inity

387
00:15:56,455 --> 00:16:00,209
that you hang onto things just 'cause
it's American and it must be right, right?

388
00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,419
You hang onto things
just 'cause it's American,

389
00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:05,798
even if the thing you cling to
is proof of literal stupidity.

390
00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:06,966
[laughter]

391
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:09,218
And I'll give you an example.
I only need one.

392
00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:11,261
Now, we fossil fuel...

393
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:15,265
We fossil fuel our cars with the same
stuff you do, in Australia, right?

394
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:16,767
We fossil fuel it with petroleum.

395
00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:18,644
Now, "petroleum" is very heavy
of the syllable.

396
00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:21,689
We don't have time. We're busy people.
We don't have time for syllables.

397
00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:23,482
"LOL." You know, this is where we're at.

398
00:16:23,565 --> 00:16:26,819
So we've wisely shortened "petroleum"
here and there, right?

399
00:16:26,902 --> 00:16:29,571
In Australia,
we've shortened "petroleum" to "petrol."

400
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:33,450
Now, I'm not bragging. That's not...
Like, we've just stopped talking.

401
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:36,120
That is all that has happened there.
We're just like, "Petrol."

402
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,579
[laughter]

403
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:40,874
You have dug a lot deeper
into the hat of imagination

404
00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:42,710
for your shortening of "petroleum,"

405
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,337
because you've shortened it to "gas."

406
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,256
[laughter]

407
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:51,427
Now, the interesting thing about petroleum
is that it is a liquid.

408
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:52,803
[laughter]

409
00:16:55,305 --> 00:17:00,185
And the interesting thing about gas,
by its very fucking definition...

410
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:02,396
-[laughter]
-is that it is not a liquid!

411
00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:06,150
But you guys would rather
gaslight science, or flood it.

412
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:08,944
I don't know how the thinking happens
in your head!

413
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:10,571
But you will not change,

414
00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:13,699
'cause you're like, "It's right, 'cause
we thought of it and we're Americans."

415
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:16,618
But it's not right.
It is dumb in the face!

416
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,078
[laughter]

417
00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:23,709
When I first started touring here, I was
told I should Americanize my language.

418
00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:25,085
To which I responded,

419
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:28,797
"Fuck off. Americanise
is not spelled with a 'Z,' fuckers."

420
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,424
[laughter]

421
00:17:30,507 --> 00:17:34,136
Honestly, Americans are like
the straight, white man of cultures.

422
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:35,679
[laughter]

423
00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:38,515
You say, "To-may-to,"
that's all you care about.

424
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:42,019
Like, fuck off.
I will not bow to your confidence.

425
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:43,771
I will not say, "Sweater."

426
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:45,856
[laughter]

427
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:49,193
I will be saying, "Jumper,"
and you can cope.

428
00:17:49,276 --> 00:17:51,153
[laughter]

429
00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:54,990
I'm not suggesting that "jumper" makes
sense. "Jumper" makes fuck all sense.

430
00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:57,701
But what it does do is it sounds fun.

431
00:17:58,660 --> 00:17:59,828
"I'm gonna put on a jumper."

432
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,247
"Oh, mate, you're gonna have a good day.
Off you pop."

433
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:03,540
[laughter]

434
00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:05,709
But you guys, you put on a sweater.

435
00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:06,627
[retching]

436
00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:07,961
[laughter]

437
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:12,341
"Yeah, this is the top I wear
to soak up the wet of my body. Mmm."

438
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:13,675
[laughter]

439
00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:17,137
Biscuit.

440
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:19,765
Biscuit.

441
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:21,183
Deal with it.

442
00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:22,434
[laughter]

443
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:25,521
I call someone a dick biscuit
later in the show, and when I say...

444
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:26,605
'Cause I'm mature.

445
00:18:26,688 --> 00:18:28,148
And when... [laughs]

446
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:32,069
I say, "Biscuit,"
I mean what you call a cookie.

447
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:36,281
And not what you call a biscuit,
which is what I call a rogue scone.

448
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,784
-That is a scone what forgot its manners.
-[laughter]

449
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:40,327
It is out of control.

450
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:43,872
But I will not say, "Dick cookie."

451
00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:45,165
[laughter]

452
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:47,584
I will not.
I refuse, 'cause it doesn't work.

453
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:51,380
When you call someone a dick biscuit,
it means we don't want to like them.

454
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,715
And "dick biscuit" does that.

455
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,509
It sounds like they're in Slytherin.

456
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,344
-[laughter]
-Dick Biscuit.

457
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,763
Dick cookie? Yeah, it's all right.

458
00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:00,889
[laughter]

459
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,224
It's like Ravenclaw.

460
00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:05,686
No one really knows what's up with them,
but they seem all right. They seem fine.

461
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:10,107
And I've decided that Dr. Cock Biscotti...

462
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:11,692
[laughter]

463
00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:12,693
Hufflepuff.

464
00:19:12,776 --> 00:19:14,820
That is definitely Hufflepuff.

465
00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:16,446
Dr. Cock Biscotti.

466
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:19,950
And I've put no thought into Gryffindor
whatsoever, 'cause fuck 'em.

467
00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:22,703
They are like the straight, white man
of Hogwarts.

468
00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:24,788
[laughter and cheering]

469
00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:29,376
"What about Hermione?"
She's probably a terf. Fuck her.

470
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,170
[laughter]

471
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:33,463
Punching up.

472
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:35,090
[laughter]

473
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:38,635
I mean, I have made some concessions
for you. I'm not a monster.

474
00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,471
Like, I'll say, "Waldo." Where's Waldo?

475
00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:45,517
I've always known him as Wally,
but, look, it's not that hard.

476
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:46,768
"Waldo." Did it.

477
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,020
[laughter]

478
00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:50,647
So the trick is there.
If you find Waldo, you've found Wally.

479
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:52,733
-It's the same guy.
-[laughter]

480
00:19:52,816 --> 00:19:55,194
And I've happily taken on
a lot of your wordage.

481
00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:57,654
There's a lot about your language
I like, America.

482
00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:58,864
Like "arugula."

483
00:19:58,947 --> 00:19:59,948
Yes, please.

484
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:00,908
[laughter]

485
00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:02,409
We call that stuff "rocket."

486
00:20:02,492 --> 00:20:06,538
Fuck off, rocket. I want arugula.
It sounds like a clown car horn.

487
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,081
Yes, please. Arugula!

488
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:09,458
[laughter]

489
00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:13,462
And aluminum. Mm-hmm. Yes.

490
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:16,340
We have the same word,
but we say, "Alu-min-ium."

491
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:20,052
Why would you say, "Aluminium,"
when you can flirt it?

492
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:21,970
"Al-u-minum."

493
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:22,971
[laughter]

494
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,514
"Stop it, America."

495
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,433
[laughter]

496
00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:29,102
And, "Y'all?" Oh, yes, please!

497
00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:31,104
"Thanks all y'all for y'all.

498
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:33,732
I'm taking y'all. I love y'all."

499
00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:34,816
[laughter]

500
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:39,238
Because "y'all" is the best,
most inclusive

501
00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:43,200
second-person, plural pronoun
in the English-speaking world.

502
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:44,868
[cheering and applause]

503
00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:50,040
Thank you, the South. What an ally.

504
00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:51,708
[laughter]

505
00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:55,879
I'm in two minds about "fanny."

506
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,589
[laughter]

507
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:58,507
Just the word.

508
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:02,094
'Cause, here, "fanny" is your butt.
Your rear end, your backside, your bum.

509
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:05,514
In Australia, "fanny" refers specifically
to the lady front bum,

510
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:07,599
to use inclusive language. I don't know.

511
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:14,606
And when I first heard that everyone
in America has a fanny, I thought, "Cool.

512
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:15,857
[laughter]

513
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:16,984
Cool, cool, cool.

514
00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:21,113
I'm going to the Isle of Lesbos.
Giddy up."

515
00:21:21,196 --> 00:21:22,281
[laughter]

516
00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:24,491
That's just a joke.
It doesn't belong there.

517
00:21:24,574 --> 00:21:27,411
Must have snuck out of the joke section.
Apologies there.

518
00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:28,787
[laughter]

519
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:31,665
No, I've known about the fanny discrepancy
for a very long time.

520
00:21:31,748 --> 00:21:33,041
I will never forget the day

521
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:36,295
I discovered "fanny" meant a different
thing here than it does back home.

522
00:21:36,378 --> 00:21:40,257
I was at school, I was reading a book.
It was an American book. Untranslated.

523
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:43,385
I've always had a bit of a gift
for the languages.

524
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:48,515
Now, it was just a random children's book
about four kids on an adventure

525
00:21:48,598 --> 00:21:49,766
and part of their adventure...

526
00:21:49,850 --> 00:21:52,352
Apparently these four children
slid down a hill.

527
00:21:53,770 --> 00:21:55,480
On their fannies.

528
00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:56,857
[laughter]

529
00:21:57,899 --> 00:22:00,902
And I lost an afternoon.

530
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,446
[laughter]

531
00:22:02,529 --> 00:22:06,450
I lost an afternoon
trying to make that work in my mind's eye,

532
00:22:06,533 --> 00:22:10,287
because that is not
how you go down a hill!

533
00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:11,246
[laughter]

534
00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:15,250
If you go down a hill like that,
that is not a decision. You've tripped.

535
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:16,168
[laughter]

536
00:22:16,251 --> 00:22:20,213
And what are the chances
of four children synchronized-tripping...

537
00:22:20,964 --> 00:22:23,216
and it not rating a mention
from the narrator?

538
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:24,509
Fuck all.

539
00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:25,427
[laughter]

540
00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:27,846
So why would you choose
to go down like that?

541
00:22:27,929 --> 00:22:28,972
It's not aerodynamic,

542
00:22:29,056 --> 00:22:31,933
and I don't care how you identify,
that is vulnerable.

543
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:33,185
[laughter]

544
00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:35,687
And which way do you go?
Head first? Feet first?

545
00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:37,439
Well, neither are aerodynamic.

546
00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:40,275
And what the fuck do you do
with your knees?

547
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:41,651
[laughter]

548
00:22:46,031 --> 00:22:49,034
I should probably tell you
what "Douglas" means.

549
00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:53,080
'Cause it means a very different thing
here than it does back home.

550
00:22:53,497 --> 00:22:59,086
In Australia, a Douglas is slang
for a kangaroo's uterus.

551
00:23:01,129 --> 00:23:02,381
It's fucking not.

552
00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:06,051
Like, why would we have slang for that?

553
00:23:06,134 --> 00:23:06,968
[laughter]

554
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:08,345
For fuck's sake.

555
00:23:08,428 --> 00:23:12,349
Australians are not even that Australian.
Come on.

556
00:23:12,432 --> 00:23:13,517
[laughter]

557
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:15,477
It was just my dog's name.

558
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,354
I've named this show after my dog.

559
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:19,314
His name's Douglas.

560
00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:20,232
Um...

561
00:23:20,315 --> 00:23:21,650
[cheering and applause]

562
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:24,736
It's weird that that's the thing you clap,
but cool.

563
00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:25,654
[laughter]

564
00:23:25,737 --> 00:23:28,323
"Well done, you named your dog
and then your show after the same...

565
00:23:30,450 --> 00:23:31,993
You're not so weird anymore."

566
00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:33,161
-[laughter]
-Um...

567
00:23:33,995 --> 00:23:36,456
Douglas is my first dog.
Douglas is my first dog.

568
00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:39,167
As an adult. I had lots of dogs
when I was growing up.

569
00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:41,962
Our family went through them a bit.
We lived on a busy road.

570
00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:44,172
-Um...
-[audience] Oh...

571
00:23:45,215 --> 00:23:46,591
All right. That's where you're at.

572
00:23:46,675 --> 00:23:48,093
-Look, it just...
-[laughter]

573
00:23:48,176 --> 00:23:50,887
really paints a picture
of a time and a place. Look... [chuckles]

574
00:23:50,971 --> 00:23:53,223
Douglas is fine.
I don't live on a busy road anymore.

575
00:23:53,306 --> 00:23:54,766
I take good care of the boy.

576
00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:56,309
I take him to the dog park.

577
00:23:56,726 --> 00:23:58,979
And anyone who goes to a dog park
on the regular

578
00:23:59,062 --> 00:24:02,774
knows that no good conversation
is ever had...

579
00:24:02,858 --> 00:24:04,276
-[laughter]
-at a dog park.

580
00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:06,653
They are just festivals of small talk,

581
00:24:06,736 --> 00:24:09,364
and that is not my natural habitat.

582
00:24:09,823 --> 00:24:12,325
You don't know why yet, but you do.

583
00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:13,618
[laughter]

584
00:24:17,747 --> 00:24:18,957
Now, I want to tell you a story

585
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,794
about a terrible conversation
I had at the dog park once.

586
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:24,296
This bloke just walks up to me.

587
00:24:24,379 --> 00:24:27,591
I mean, he had a dog. He wasn't
just being creepy. He had context.

588
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:29,134
I want to tell you this.

589
00:24:29,217 --> 00:24:31,470
It's not pertinent to the story,
but I want you to know.

590
00:24:31,553 --> 00:24:33,263
His dog had shoes on.

591
00:24:33,597 --> 00:24:35,140
[laughter]

592
00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:38,101
And his dog did not want to have shoes on.

593
00:24:38,185 --> 00:24:39,644
He was doing that, like...

594
00:24:39,728 --> 00:24:40,562
[laughter]

595
00:24:40,645 --> 00:24:43,899
And it was a whippet situation,
and they're shaky at the best of times.

596
00:24:43,982 --> 00:24:46,109
We don't know why.
Are they cold? Are they nervous?

597
00:24:46,193 --> 00:24:48,069
But it was like just... It was a lot.

598
00:24:48,153 --> 00:24:50,989
Now, it's not important to the story,
but it was a lot in my periphery,

599
00:24:51,072 --> 00:24:52,491
so I just want you to know.

600
00:24:52,574 --> 00:24:53,492
[laughter]

601
00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:55,285
Added stress.

602
00:24:55,368 --> 00:24:58,205
Now, this was my, uh, friend's icebreaker.

603
00:24:58,288 --> 00:25:01,541
We'd never met. This was his icebreaker.
He said, "Did you know...

604
00:25:02,459 --> 00:25:06,338
it takes less muscles to smile
than frown?"

605
00:25:08,798 --> 00:25:10,634
The men in the audience
are sitting there going,

606
00:25:10,717 --> 00:25:13,178
"Oh, you've experienced
an isolated incident."

607
00:25:13,261 --> 00:25:14,888
[laughter]

608
00:25:16,932 --> 00:25:20,435
And the women are sitting there going,
"Oh, for fuck's sake."

609
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:21,436
[laughter]

610
00:25:21,895 --> 00:25:25,148
And non-binary folk are like,
"Is that a hard day for you? Is it?"

611
00:25:25,232 --> 00:25:26,608
[laughter]

612
00:25:28,026 --> 00:25:31,196
Now, as far as icebreakers go,
it's a fucking shit one.

613
00:25:31,279 --> 00:25:34,741
Basically what he's saying is,
"Your face is wrong. Can you change it?"

614
00:25:34,824 --> 00:25:38,662
Like, honestly. And even if I gave him
the benefit of the doubt, right,

615
00:25:38,745 --> 00:25:43,250
and truly believed that energy consumption
was his chief concern...

616
00:25:43,333 --> 00:25:46,878
That he was just looking at me, going,
"If only she knew.

617
00:25:46,962 --> 00:25:47,796
[laughter]

618
00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:49,172
She could live her best life.

619
00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:51,841
She could get so much more out of her day
if only she knew."

620
00:25:51,925 --> 00:25:53,093
Like, even if I believed that,

621
00:25:53,176 --> 00:25:55,595
the thing is,
I was neither smiling nor frowning.

622
00:25:56,054 --> 00:26:00,767
My face was neutral,
which takes fuck all muscles.

623
00:26:00,850 --> 00:26:01,685
[laughter]

624
00:26:01,768 --> 00:26:05,063
Now, I am aware that my neutral face
is not particularly chipper.

625
00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:06,022
[laughter]

626
00:26:06,106 --> 00:26:09,651
Like, I do look like someone stabbed
a potato with a spoon upside down.

627
00:26:09,734 --> 00:26:10,610
Honestly, like...

628
00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:13,280
[laughter]

629
00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:14,906
No muscles.

630
00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:17,075
Neutral.

631
00:26:17,158 --> 00:26:19,578
Now, I have resting bitch face.
That's what it's called.

632
00:26:19,661 --> 00:26:21,955
That's what it's colloquially known as.
Resting bitch face.

633
00:26:22,038 --> 00:26:24,082
Only women have resting bitch face.

634
00:26:24,165 --> 00:26:28,003
Men simply have very important thoughts
you'd best not interrupt them having.

635
00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:32,632
Honestly, no one has ever gone up to a man
while he's a stranger and gone,

636
00:26:32,716 --> 00:26:35,176
"Cheer up, love. It may never happen." No!

637
00:26:35,260 --> 00:26:36,928
[laughter]

638
00:26:37,012 --> 00:26:38,930
As far as icebreakers go,
that was a bit shit.

639
00:26:39,014 --> 00:26:40,640
Do you know how I responded?

640
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:42,309
I started frowning.

641
00:26:42,392 --> 00:26:43,810
I started using muscles

642
00:26:43,893 --> 00:26:46,730
I'd had no intention of using
just moments earlier.

643
00:26:46,813 --> 00:26:47,856
[laughter]

644
00:26:47,939 --> 00:26:51,818
But he thought it went very well, so he
stepped the conversation up another notch,

645
00:26:51,901 --> 00:26:54,821
and he said,
"What is your dog's name?" Classic.

646
00:26:54,904 --> 00:26:57,282
And I responded by saying, "Doug."

647
00:26:57,365 --> 00:27:00,201
'Cause he's only Douglas
when he's in trouble, I discovered.

648
00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:01,119
[laughter]

649
00:27:01,202 --> 00:27:04,623
Now, when I said, "Doug,"
this man's response was a little much.

650
00:27:04,706 --> 00:27:06,875
He's basically...
I said, "Doug," and he's gone...

651
00:27:06,958 --> 00:27:09,169
[laughing hysterically]

652
00:27:09,502 --> 00:27:10,378
"Good one."

653
00:27:10,795 --> 00:27:12,339
[laughter]

654
00:27:12,422 --> 00:27:13,548
And I said...

655
00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:15,008
"It's not."

656
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,010
[laughter]

657
00:27:17,093 --> 00:27:20,221
I don't know why.
I think I was still in Frown Land.

658
00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:22,182
I've just gone, "It's not a good name."

659
00:27:22,265 --> 00:27:23,099
[laughter]

660
00:27:23,183 --> 00:27:25,185
And he said, "It is."

661
00:27:25,518 --> 00:27:26,436
[laughter]

662
00:27:26,519 --> 00:27:28,730
So I said, "It's not."

663
00:27:28,813 --> 00:27:30,231
[laughter]

664
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:32,108
So let's just... This is what's happening.

665
00:27:32,192 --> 00:27:34,611
I'm having an argument
with a stranger in the dog park

666
00:27:34,694 --> 00:27:36,696
about whether or not
my dog's name is good,

667
00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:39,532
and I'm not on the side
you'd assume I'd be on.

668
00:27:39,616 --> 00:27:40,950
[laughter]

669
00:27:41,034 --> 00:27:43,328
And his dog had shoes on.

670
00:27:43,411 --> 00:27:45,997
We had more important things
to talk about.

671
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:47,165
[laughter]

672
00:27:47,248 --> 00:27:49,542
Instead, we're going, "It's a bad name."
"It's a good name."

673
00:27:49,626 --> 00:27:51,086
Eventually, he's like, "Look.

674
00:27:51,753 --> 00:27:53,880
It's a good name, because Doug...

675
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:55,382
Dogs dig.

676
00:27:56,049 --> 00:27:56,883
Doug."

677
00:27:56,966 --> 00:27:58,635
[laughter]

678
00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:04,641
Now it was a singularly humiliating moment
as a professional comedian

679
00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:07,477
to have my own joke,
that I hadn't even thought of,

680
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:08,728
explained back to me.

681
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:09,854
[laughter]

682
00:28:09,938 --> 00:28:11,773
As if I had thought of it,
but just forgot.

683
00:28:11,856 --> 00:28:12,941
Like, I didn't notice.

684
00:28:13,024 --> 00:28:14,275
I'd had Doug for over a year.

685
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:16,903
Hadn't fucking clocked
that his name was a pun.

686
00:28:16,986 --> 00:28:18,071
[laughter]

687
00:28:18,154 --> 00:28:19,322
Humiliated.

688
00:28:19,406 --> 00:28:23,118
So I did what any reasonable,
mature person would do. I lied.

689
00:28:23,201 --> 00:28:24,327
I said, "No.

690
00:28:25,537 --> 00:28:27,497
I've-- His name's Douglas.

691
00:28:27,997 --> 00:28:30,333
And I named him
after the Pouch of Douglas,

692
00:28:30,417 --> 00:28:31,584
I will have you know."

693
00:28:32,335 --> 00:28:34,212
And he said,
"What is the Pouch of Douglas?"

694
00:28:34,295 --> 00:28:35,296
And it's a fair question,

695
00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:38,675
because the Pouch of Douglas
is an obscure situation.

696
00:28:38,758 --> 00:28:40,135
So I explained.

697
00:28:40,218 --> 00:28:44,097
I said, "The Pouch of Douglas
is a bit of potential space that exists,

698
00:28:44,180 --> 00:28:46,725
and it's situated
between the anal cavity...

699
00:28:47,183 --> 00:28:48,393
[laughter]

700
00:28:48,476 --> 00:28:52,897
and the uterus in the female, biological
sex reproductive environment."

701
00:28:54,190 --> 00:28:56,192
At the dog park!

702
00:28:56,276 --> 00:28:58,194
[laughter]

703
00:28:58,278 --> 00:28:59,988
And this guy did not blink.

704
00:29:00,071 --> 00:29:01,364
He's just frozen.

705
00:29:01,448 --> 00:29:03,408
And he started frowning.

706
00:29:03,491 --> 00:29:07,454
And... he was suddenly working very hard.

707
00:29:07,537 --> 00:29:11,833
And I took that look of fear
mingled with vague repulsion

708
00:29:11,916 --> 00:29:15,044
and mistook it for genuine curiosity.

709
00:29:15,128 --> 00:29:16,421
[laughter]

710
00:29:16,504 --> 00:29:18,631
And I thought,
"This man wants to know more."

711
00:29:18,715 --> 00:29:19,674
[laughter]

712
00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:22,677
So I explained,
"It's neither front, nor back.

713
00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:24,471
It's right in the middle.

714
00:29:24,554 --> 00:29:26,264
It's in fanny neutral territory.

715
00:29:26,347 --> 00:29:28,308
We'll call it fanny Switzerland.

716
00:29:28,391 --> 00:29:29,225
[laughter]

717
00:29:29,309 --> 00:29:32,729
And it doesn't have its own entrance,"
I said, as if that made it all better.

718
00:29:32,812 --> 00:29:35,148
"Like, you can't... [laughs]
You can't just get to it.

719
00:29:35,231 --> 00:29:37,442
Although, if you were
to stick your thumb up the bum

720
00:29:37,525 --> 00:29:39,652
and your finger up the relevant vagine...

721
00:29:40,987 --> 00:29:42,071
and clap...

722
00:29:42,155 --> 00:29:43,531
[laughter]

723
00:29:45,116 --> 00:29:46,367
that bit in there...

724
00:29:46,659 --> 00:29:47,952
[laughter]

725
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:49,913
that's your Pouch of Douglas. In there."

726
00:29:49,996 --> 00:29:51,706
At the dog park!

727
00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:52,791
[laughter]

728
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,630
'Cause it's not an actual thing.
It's just...

729
00:29:58,713 --> 00:30:01,049
It's a crawl space for emergencies.
The best...

730
00:30:01,132 --> 00:30:02,342
[laughter]

731
00:30:02,425 --> 00:30:04,344
The best way I can explain it is this.

732
00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:06,679
You've got a suitcase
and you want to open the suitcase.

733
00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:09,015
You take the zip
all the way around the suitcase,

734
00:30:09,098 --> 00:30:11,267
but when you go to open the suitcase,
it does not open,

735
00:30:11,351 --> 00:30:13,269
because you have not used the zip zip.

736
00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:17,190
You've used the funny zip, which does go
all the way around the suitcase,

737
00:30:17,273 --> 00:30:19,359
but it doesn't fucking open.
It just mocks you.

738
00:30:19,442 --> 00:30:21,861
So when you go to open the suitcase,
it just does that...

739
00:30:21,945 --> 00:30:23,196
[whooshing sounds]

740
00:30:23,947 --> 00:30:25,824
And now, you have not opened the suitcase.

741
00:30:25,907 --> 00:30:28,535
But what you've done is you've created
a bit of extra space in there,

742
00:30:28,618 --> 00:30:31,830
and you can't see it,
and you can't access it.

743
00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:32,831
[laughter]

744
00:30:32,914 --> 00:30:34,165
But you know it's there.

745
00:30:34,249 --> 00:30:36,251
That is the Pouch of Douglas.

746
00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:37,460
[laughter]

747
00:30:37,544 --> 00:30:38,962
[applause]

748
00:30:39,045 --> 00:30:41,256
Thank you. I'm delighted.

749
00:30:41,714 --> 00:30:45,343
I'm delighted you enjoyed my explanation
of the Pouch of Douglas,

750
00:30:45,426 --> 00:30:47,887
because my friend at the dog park did not.

751
00:30:47,971 --> 00:30:49,389
[laughter]

752
00:30:51,266 --> 00:30:54,018
I just still can't get over
that there's something inside of me,

753
00:30:54,102 --> 00:30:56,062
in a very particular part of my body...

754
00:30:56,563 --> 00:30:58,481
called the Pouch of Douglas.

755
00:30:58,565 --> 00:30:59,649
[laughter]

756
00:30:59,732 --> 00:31:01,985
It's fucking weird, borderline not okay.

757
00:31:02,402 --> 00:31:04,696
But it is also a reminder
that we do live in a world

758
00:31:04,779 --> 00:31:07,323
where everything has been named by men.

759
00:31:08,366 --> 00:31:09,576
Everything.

760
00:31:10,159 --> 00:31:11,327
Everything.

761
00:31:11,411 --> 00:31:14,664
And that was named after a man.
Dr. James Douglas,

762
00:31:14,747 --> 00:31:17,792
who was an 18th century
Scottish man midwife.

763
00:31:18,501 --> 00:31:21,421
What an uncomfortable
collection of demographics that is.

764
00:31:21,504 --> 00:31:24,257
Like, do not headline your LinkedIn
with that.

765
00:31:24,340 --> 00:31:25,633
That is a mistake.

766
00:31:26,593 --> 00:31:30,513
It was named after Dr. James Douglas,
because apparently he found it first.

767
00:31:31,848 --> 00:31:34,142
What a day.
What a day he must have been having.

768
00:31:34,225 --> 00:31:35,059
[laughter]

769
00:31:35,143 --> 00:31:37,103
Just rummaging around a lady cadaver.

770
00:31:37,186 --> 00:31:39,022
Rummage, rummage.
Hobbies were different then.

771
00:31:39,105 --> 00:31:40,899
He must have just found her funny zip,

772
00:31:40,982 --> 00:31:43,276
and then saw it sitting there,
all void, no name.

773
00:31:43,359 --> 00:31:46,529
At which point, Dr. James Douglas
must have thought, "Well, this is it.

774
00:31:46,613 --> 00:31:49,616
-[laughter]
-This is my shot at legacy."

775
00:31:49,699 --> 00:31:51,993
[laughter]

776
00:31:52,076 --> 00:31:54,537
Honestly, it just never ceases to amaze me

777
00:31:54,621 --> 00:31:57,749
how little men have to do
in order to be remembered.

778
00:31:58,541 --> 00:32:01,628
He found a "not thing" and called dibs.

779
00:32:01,711 --> 00:32:03,338
[laughter]

780
00:32:03,421 --> 00:32:05,173
We would live in a very different world

781
00:32:05,256 --> 00:32:08,051
if women had participated
in the naming of things.

782
00:32:08,551 --> 00:32:11,012
Like, do you fellows honestly believe
you'd have balls

783
00:32:11,095 --> 00:32:12,805
if women had been at that meeting?

784
00:32:12,889 --> 00:32:14,307
[laughter]

785
00:32:14,390 --> 00:32:15,892
No. 'Cause here's the thing.

786
00:32:15,975 --> 00:32:19,145
Women don't think of your testicles
as a sport or a game.

787
00:32:19,228 --> 00:32:22,649
You like to play with them.
That is your bag and your bag alone.

788
00:32:23,107 --> 00:32:24,734
-Cool story.
-[laughter]

789
00:32:24,817 --> 00:32:28,279
But how would you like it
if we'd have given you "Karen's handful?"

790
00:32:28,363 --> 00:32:30,657
[laughter]

791
00:32:30,740 --> 00:32:33,660
How the fuck would you like that?

792
00:32:34,118 --> 00:32:37,997
Just having an olde woman with a grip
around your tenderloins all fucking day.

793
00:32:38,081 --> 00:32:39,290
How would you like that?

794
00:32:39,374 --> 00:32:40,541
[laughter]

795
00:32:40,625 --> 00:32:43,503
I'm so sorry. I'm clearly not an expert.
What is this?

796
00:32:43,586 --> 00:32:45,463
-[laughter]
-I am sorry.

797
00:32:46,714 --> 00:32:50,134
I think, in my mind's eye,
Karen is a marionette. Just...

798
00:32:50,218 --> 00:32:51,177
[laughter]

799
00:32:51,260 --> 00:32:52,345
"What do balls...?"

800
00:32:53,221 --> 00:32:54,347
I had to see a doctor...

801
00:32:54,430 --> 00:32:55,598
Uh, this is a while ago.

802
00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:58,184
Um... 'Cause I had some issues
with my Douglas environment,

803
00:32:58,267 --> 00:33:00,144
very broadly speaking.

804
00:33:00,228 --> 00:33:01,062
Um...

805
00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:04,565
And my regular doctor was away,
so I was seeing her replacement.

806
00:33:04,649 --> 00:33:06,067
Uh, now, the replacement doctor

807
00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:08,528
was not a doctor
I would ever have chosen for myself.

808
00:33:08,611 --> 00:33:11,155
We weren't a good match.
We didn't get along from the get-go.

809
00:33:11,239 --> 00:33:13,574
He was a fucking arrogant asshole.

810
00:33:13,658 --> 00:33:16,744
I mean, he was a qualified doctor as well.
Yes, absolutely.

811
00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:19,330
But that is a Venn diagram
with a lot of crossover.

812
00:33:19,789 --> 00:33:20,915
[laughter]

813
00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:22,750
We're going to call him Dr. Dick Biscuit.

814
00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:24,043
Okay, there it is.

815
00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:28,506
Now, Dr. Dick Biscuit decided,
after running no tests,

816
00:33:28,589 --> 00:33:31,092
that the solution to my Douglas malaise...

817
00:33:32,218 --> 00:33:34,178
was that I should go on the pill.

818
00:33:34,804 --> 00:33:37,140
The pill. There's more proof
men have named all the things.

819
00:33:37,223 --> 00:33:39,392
"The pill."
That's a bit fucking vague, isn't it?

820
00:33:39,475 --> 00:33:40,309
[laughter]

821
00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:43,855
"Most things you prescribe, Doctor,
could be called a pill."

822
00:33:44,272 --> 00:33:46,274
He's like, "Yes, but this is the pill.
The pill."

823
00:33:46,357 --> 00:33:49,068
It sounds like there's just a giant pill
in the town square

824
00:33:49,152 --> 00:33:51,279
we all scurry out and nibble on,
"Mmm, it's Monday."

825
00:33:51,362 --> 00:33:52,488
[laughter]

826
00:33:52,572 --> 00:33:55,074
"What does it do?"
"Witchcraft. Shut up. Call it a pill."

827
00:33:55,158 --> 00:33:55,992
[laughter]

828
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,662
I said to Dr. Dick Biscuit,
"Look, I don't want to take the pill.

829
00:33:59,746 --> 00:34:03,374
I've been on the pill before and the pill
tends to give me suicidal ideation."

830
00:34:03,458 --> 00:34:05,543
[chuckles] You thought
I was all out of trauma.

831
00:34:05,626 --> 00:34:06,919
[laughter]

832
00:34:07,587 --> 00:34:10,214
Now, Dr. Dick Biscuit didn't enjoy me
bringing that to the table.

833
00:34:10,298 --> 00:34:12,425
The table being a consultation
about my body.

834
00:34:12,508 --> 00:34:14,594
He's like, "No. No, thank you very much."

835
00:34:14,677 --> 00:34:16,804
And do you know what he did?
He shushed me.

836
00:34:17,597 --> 00:34:20,266
He said,
"You will do well to listen to me."

837
00:34:20,349 --> 00:34:21,309
[audience gasps]

838
00:34:21,392 --> 00:34:22,727
It was our first fight.

839
00:34:23,186 --> 00:34:26,355
And I did what I always do
in a bit of conflict.

840
00:34:26,439 --> 00:34:28,149
I made a joke. This was my joke.

841
00:34:28,232 --> 00:34:32,320
I said, "Instead of going on the pill,
how about I have a hysterectomy?"

842
00:34:33,112 --> 00:34:35,698
Yep, you get it.
I don't know why he didn't get it.

843
00:34:35,782 --> 00:34:37,992
As far as jokes go, that's a classic.

844
00:34:38,076 --> 00:34:39,702
-I can't...
-[laughter]

845
00:34:39,786 --> 00:34:41,746
think of a context
where that wouldn't be a joke.

846
00:34:41,829 --> 00:34:44,916
Like, on what planet
would I have control over my own body?

847
00:34:44,999 --> 00:34:45,958
Not this one.

848
00:34:46,042 --> 00:34:47,794
So clearly, it's a joke.

849
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:50,546
And also, it should have been clear,
because I used jokey words.

850
00:34:50,630 --> 00:34:52,423
I didn't use formal terminology.

851
00:34:52,507 --> 00:34:54,258
I did not say, "Hysterectomy."

852
00:34:54,342 --> 00:34:57,595
What I said was, "Why don't we just
whip out the whole kit and caboodle?"

853
00:34:57,678 --> 00:34:59,931
[laughter]

854
00:35:00,014 --> 00:35:02,809
Then, if that wasn't clear enough
I was joking, I followed it up with,

855
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:05,645
"Besides, I've heard decluttering
is in fashion, Doctor.

856
00:35:05,728 --> 00:35:06,729
[laughter]

857
00:35:06,813 --> 00:35:08,898
And this does not spark joy."

858
00:35:08,981 --> 00:35:10,566
[laughter]

859
00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:12,360
Thank you. I'm delighted.

860
00:35:12,443 --> 00:35:14,403
I'm delighted you enjoyed that joke.

861
00:35:14,487 --> 00:35:16,364
Because Dr. Dick Biscuit did not.

862
00:35:16,447 --> 00:35:18,241
He did not get my joke.

863
00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:20,284
And so, I did not get his humanity.

864
00:35:20,785 --> 00:35:24,455
And things just escalated from there,
and he just began shouting at me.

865
00:35:24,914 --> 00:35:26,624
Right? And when he just
fully laid into me,

866
00:35:26,707 --> 00:35:28,543
at which point I began to cry,

867
00:35:28,876 --> 00:35:31,796
and then Dr. Dick Biscuit
took my distress as proof...

868
00:35:32,171 --> 00:35:34,006
his diagnosis was correct.

869
00:35:34,090 --> 00:35:35,967
Clearly, I was hormonal.

870
00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:39,095
Classic cop-out, Dick Biscuit.

871
00:35:39,178 --> 00:35:40,012
Fuck me.

872
00:35:40,429 --> 00:35:41,722
Men calling women hormonal.

873
00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:45,268
Pretty much it's the number one hobby
of mankind of all time.

874
00:35:45,351 --> 00:35:47,687
Like, a man is allowed
to call a woman hormonal

875
00:35:47,770 --> 00:35:51,440
just whenever a woman says or does
something a man failed to predict.

876
00:35:51,524 --> 00:35:52,859
That's it.

877
00:35:52,942 --> 00:35:54,569
It's like, "I wasn't expecting that,

878
00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:57,780
so, clearly, you're just a clusterfuck
of internalized chaos

879
00:35:57,864 --> 00:35:59,448
you make up to be a bitch."

880
00:35:59,532 --> 00:36:00,575
[laughter]

881
00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:04,996
Like, men call women hormonal
as if men don't have hormones.

882
00:36:05,079 --> 00:36:06,914
That's the bit that shits me.

883
00:36:06,998 --> 00:36:10,126
Because newsflash, fellas,
you've got hormones.

884
00:36:10,668 --> 00:36:12,461
And sometimes you get testy.

885
00:36:12,795 --> 00:36:14,130
[laughter]

886
00:36:14,213 --> 00:36:15,256
Yeah, you do.

887
00:36:15,548 --> 00:36:18,259
Sometimes Karen gives it
a bit of a squeeze...

888
00:36:18,342 --> 00:36:19,260
[laughter]

889
00:36:19,343 --> 00:36:20,178
and you get upset.

890
00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:22,722
And fair enough, you're only human.
Happens to the best of us.

891
00:36:22,805 --> 00:36:25,892
Look, I've been known to want to nibble
a bit of dark chocolate on a full moon.

892
00:36:25,975 --> 00:36:26,809
I don't know.

893
00:36:26,893 --> 00:36:28,352
-[laughter]
-Witchcraft.

894
00:36:29,478 --> 00:36:31,314
But I've never had to punch a door.

895
00:36:31,397 --> 00:36:33,232
So we all have our things, fellas.

896
00:36:33,691 --> 00:36:35,193
[cheering and applause]

897
00:36:38,696 --> 00:36:42,533
Like, honestly, what do you think
"boys will be boys" means...

898
00:36:42,783 --> 00:36:45,745
if men are so good
at neutralizing their hormones?

899
00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:48,664
Like, it's not the convenient alibi
for sexual assault

900
00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:50,750
that so many people
are so desperate for it to mean.

901
00:36:50,833 --> 00:36:52,251
Know what "boys will be boys" means?

902
00:36:52,335 --> 00:36:56,005
It means we are not preparing our boys
for the real world.

903
00:36:56,088 --> 00:36:58,216
It means we know.

904
00:36:58,883 --> 00:37:01,260
We know that boys
are at the mercy of their hormones.

905
00:37:01,344 --> 00:37:05,014
We're just culturally incapable of holding
them accountable for their actions,

906
00:37:05,097 --> 00:37:07,558
so we hold women accountable.

907
00:37:08,559 --> 00:37:09,435
Stop it!

908
00:37:09,518 --> 00:37:10,728
[applause]

909
00:37:10,811 --> 00:37:13,522
It's bait, you fucking idiots.
It's bait. Leave it!

910
00:37:13,606 --> 00:37:15,149
[laughter]

911
00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:23,449
It's not for you.

912
00:37:23,532 --> 00:37:25,743
[laughter]

913
00:37:25,826 --> 00:37:26,869
It's not a rally.

914
00:37:26,953 --> 00:37:27,787
Fuck.

915
00:37:27,870 --> 00:37:29,372
[laughter]

916
00:37:30,164 --> 00:37:33,042
Every time I do that, I feel like
I've got to walk around the bait.

917
00:37:33,125 --> 00:37:34,460
[laughter]

918
00:37:38,130 --> 00:37:41,259
Look, I don't need my hormones
to be unreasonable.

919
00:37:41,342 --> 00:37:43,177
I would just love men to know that.

920
00:37:43,761 --> 00:37:44,762
Like, I don't need...

921
00:37:44,845 --> 00:37:47,139
I can just be unreasonable
'cause I don't wanna.

922
00:37:47,223 --> 00:37:48,057
[laughter]

923
00:37:48,140 --> 00:37:51,143
I have plenty of what I call
"puffer fish moments." Right?

924
00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:52,103
You know puffer fish?

925
00:37:52,186 --> 00:37:54,855
Those fish that get startled and go,
"Oh, this is a solution."

926
00:37:54,939 --> 00:37:55,815
It's not.

927
00:37:55,898 --> 00:37:57,066
[laughter]

928
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:01,612
That's what happens.
I get filled with this impotent fury

929
00:38:01,696 --> 00:38:04,407
and I can't do anything about whatever
it is I'm angry about,

930
00:38:04,490 --> 00:38:06,867
because I'm just like... [groaning]

931
00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:09,912
"If you eat me, I'll fuck you up,
but otherwise I'm just over here."

932
00:38:09,996 --> 00:38:11,247
[laughter]

933
00:38:11,330 --> 00:38:13,958
And it's only little things
that'll set the puffer fish off.

934
00:38:14,041 --> 00:38:17,295
Little things. Not the big picture.
Little things, like the paleo diet.

935
00:38:17,378 --> 00:38:20,047
Don't even look sideways at me
with that shit.

936
00:38:20,131 --> 00:38:23,217
-[laughter]
-Because my response is out of control.

937
00:38:23,592 --> 00:38:24,677
It's disproportionate.

938
00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:27,263
Someone will just innocently say,
"I'm on the paleo," and I'll go,

939
00:38:27,346 --> 00:38:28,431
[yells] "Are you?

940
00:38:28,514 --> 00:38:30,391
[laughter]

941
00:38:31,726 --> 00:38:34,437
First of all, I don't care.
Two, your breath stinks.

942
00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:35,479
[laughter]

943
00:38:35,563 --> 00:38:38,482
Eat some fucking fiber, for fuck's sake.

944
00:38:38,566 --> 00:38:40,401
Three, we don't know what they ate.

945
00:38:40,818 --> 00:38:41,652
[laughter]

946
00:38:41,736 --> 00:38:46,949
We have no clue
what paleolithic humans actually ate.

947
00:38:47,033 --> 00:38:53,039
But we are dead certain they didn't eat
cauliflower popcorn, you prick!"

948
00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:54,498
[laughter]

949
00:38:56,834 --> 00:39:01,797
And, you see, it doesn't matter
where on my cycle I am.

950
00:39:01,881 --> 00:39:03,257
Same rage.

951
00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:04,884
[laughter]

952
00:39:07,261 --> 00:39:08,804
Where's Waldo? is another one.

953
00:39:08,888 --> 00:39:10,264
[scoffs] Fuck him.

954
00:39:10,348 --> 00:39:11,515
[laughter]

955
00:39:11,599 --> 00:39:14,268
Because why is Waldo? Why? Why?

956
00:39:15,227 --> 00:39:17,104
Why have we wasted so many hours

957
00:39:17,188 --> 00:39:20,983
out of the lives of generations
of children looking for that prick?

958
00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:22,234
[laughter]

959
00:39:22,318 --> 00:39:24,987
Because you look and look,
and looking is an investment.

960
00:39:25,071 --> 00:39:26,781
You're caring,
and then you start to worry.

961
00:39:26,864 --> 00:39:28,115
"I hope he's okay."

962
00:39:28,199 --> 00:39:29,116
[laughter]

963
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:32,203
And then you find him
and nothing is ever the matter. Ever!

964
00:39:32,745 --> 00:39:36,957
He's only ever on holiday,
having quite a nice time of it.

965
00:39:37,041 --> 00:39:38,918
Fuck you, Waldo!

966
00:39:39,001 --> 00:39:39,919
[laughter]

967
00:39:40,002 --> 00:39:44,298
He should have to find himself,
like the rest of us have to.

968
00:39:45,299 --> 00:39:46,133
Honestly.

969
00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:48,177
[cheering and applause]

970
00:39:48,260 --> 00:39:52,807
If you want to see a children's book
illustration of white male privilege,

971
00:39:52,890 --> 00:39:53,933
it is that guy.

972
00:39:54,016 --> 00:39:55,142
[laughter]

973
00:39:55,226 --> 00:39:58,687
Because here is a man who makes no effort.

974
00:39:59,438 --> 00:40:01,482
No effort to help himself,

975
00:40:01,565 --> 00:40:03,692
yet fully expects everybody on Earth

976
00:40:03,776 --> 00:40:07,071
to give a shit about his whereabouts
at all times.

977
00:40:07,154 --> 00:40:08,572
[laughter]

978
00:40:08,989 --> 00:40:12,493
Just change
your ugly fucking jumper, mate.

979
00:40:12,576 --> 00:40:14,203
[laughter]

980
00:40:15,538 --> 00:40:16,455
[popping sound]

981
00:40:16,580 --> 00:40:17,790
[laughter]

982
00:40:19,500 --> 00:40:23,462
To be honest, that one does fluctuate
depending on the moon and the tides.

983
00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:24,755
[laughter]

984
00:40:25,423 --> 00:40:29,427
But ultimately, what a waste
of my emotional resources.

985
00:40:30,261 --> 00:40:32,847
I also waste them
on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

986
00:40:32,930 --> 00:40:34,473
[popping sound] Big issue.

987
00:40:35,307 --> 00:40:36,267
[laughs]

988
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:38,018
It's Donatello. I'll tell you why.

989
00:40:38,102 --> 00:40:39,478
Now, if you didn't know,

990
00:40:40,062 --> 00:40:42,565
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
are a street gang,

991
00:40:42,648 --> 00:40:44,692
and, weirdly, that is not my issue.

992
00:40:45,359 --> 00:40:47,862
It's a comic book, television,
film franchise

993
00:40:47,945 --> 00:40:50,823
and the target demographic for it
is pretty much young boys.

994
00:40:50,906 --> 00:40:53,993
Now, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
have names.

995
00:40:54,076 --> 00:40:57,371
They are Michelangelo, Leonardo,
Raphael, and Donatello.

996
00:40:57,455 --> 00:40:59,415
They are named after Renaissance artists.

997
00:40:59,498 --> 00:41:02,585
Because nothing says frescoes
like nunchucks. Am I right?

998
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:03,919
I'm not right.

999
00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:07,465
Now, the interesting thing
about the Renaissance,

1000
00:41:07,548 --> 00:41:09,467
what we popularly understand
as the Renaissance

1001
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:12,803
is the Italian High Renaissance,
and that was a very short art movement.

1002
00:41:12,887 --> 00:41:14,263
Twenty years, over.

1003
00:41:14,346 --> 00:41:17,516
It went from 1500 to 1520. Done.

1004
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:19,894
Now, Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael,

1005
00:41:19,977 --> 00:41:23,397
all at the height of their artistic
prowess during those 20 years.

1006
00:41:23,939 --> 00:41:25,566
Donatello, oh, no.

1007
00:41:25,649 --> 00:41:27,276
Oh, no, no, no, no. He was dead.

1008
00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:28,819
[laughter]

1009
00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:32,740
Dead by 1465.

1010
00:41:33,866 --> 00:41:36,994
[yelling] He does not belong
in their street gang!

1011
00:41:37,077 --> 00:41:38,078
[laughter]

1012
00:41:38,162 --> 00:41:39,497
He's dead!

1013
00:41:39,580 --> 00:41:41,248
[laughter]

1014
00:41:42,249 --> 00:41:44,460
Do you know who belongs
in that street gang?

1015
00:41:44,543 --> 00:41:47,963
Titian. By rights, it should be Titian.

1016
00:41:48,714 --> 00:41:49,924
Do you know why Titian...

1017
00:41:50,007 --> 00:41:52,384
Do you know why Titian
is not in that street gang?

1018
00:41:52,468 --> 00:41:54,762
Because the target demographic
of that television show

1019
00:41:54,845 --> 00:41:56,889
could not handle a name
that begins with "tit"

1020
00:41:56,972 --> 00:41:59,016
because of their fucking hormones.

1021
00:41:59,099 --> 00:42:00,392
[laughter]

1022
00:42:01,268 --> 00:42:03,979
We are not preparing our boys
for the real world.

1023
00:42:04,063 --> 00:42:06,273
Or history, which they wrote. Weird.

1024
00:42:06,357 --> 00:42:08,025
[laughter]

1025
00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:10,861
And they're tortoises.

1026
00:42:12,071 --> 00:42:13,405
They are not turtles!

1027
00:42:13,989 --> 00:42:15,699
-[laughter]
-They are tortoises.

1028
00:42:15,783 --> 00:42:18,285
Tortoises are the clomp, clomps.
Turtles are the flip, flips.

1029
00:42:18,369 --> 00:42:20,162
-Now, I understand...
-[laughter]

1030
00:42:21,038 --> 00:42:24,708
I understand that they're mutants.
I get it.

1031
00:42:24,792 --> 00:42:25,751
[laughter]

1032
00:42:25,834 --> 00:42:27,294
But they are using nunchucks.

1033
00:42:27,378 --> 00:42:31,840
This means they need to have
some terrestrial dexterity experience,

1034
00:42:31,924 --> 00:42:33,425
and this is not enough!

1035
00:42:33,509 --> 00:42:34,426
[laughter]

1036
00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:37,179
We are not preparing our boys
for the real world.

1037
00:42:38,013 --> 00:42:40,349
What if they went to the Galapagos?
Fucked.

1038
00:42:40,432 --> 00:42:41,892
[laughter]

1039
00:42:48,941 --> 00:42:50,693
My most recent puffer fish...

1040
00:42:51,402 --> 00:42:53,070
was during a conversation with this bloke

1041
00:42:53,153 --> 00:42:56,824
who was trying to tell me
that golf is not a sport...

1042
00:42:57,533 --> 00:43:01,078
because it doesn't put stress
on your cardiovascular system.

1043
00:43:01,829 --> 00:43:03,872
Isn't that not interesting?

1044
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:05,791
[laughter]

1045
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:09,044
Doesn't matter how you spin it. Dull.

1046
00:43:10,129 --> 00:43:12,006
And it gets worse,
because he kept talking.

1047
00:43:12,089 --> 00:43:14,508
He said,
"If you're participating in something

1048
00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:17,094
and it doesn't put stress
on your cardiovascular system,

1049
00:43:17,177 --> 00:43:19,054
you're not participating in a sport.

1050
00:43:19,638 --> 00:43:21,890
You're merely playing a game."

1051
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:25,853
And that conversation made me
so fucking angry,

1052
00:43:25,936 --> 00:43:27,104
it felt like a sport.

1053
00:43:27,187 --> 00:43:28,022
[popping sound]

1054
00:43:28,105 --> 00:43:29,690
[laughter]

1055
00:43:29,773 --> 00:43:32,484
Now, I hope nobody's in here,
just going, "Finally, oh.

1056
00:43:32,568 --> 00:43:34,445
Someone here to defend golf's honor."

1057
00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:36,405
That is not what's happening here.

1058
00:43:36,488 --> 00:43:37,489
[laughter]

1059
00:43:37,573 --> 00:43:39,283
In fact, I hope golf is sad.

1060
00:43:39,366 --> 00:43:41,577
I hope golf is all sooky la la,

1061
00:43:41,660 --> 00:43:45,623
'cause I fucking hate golf
with all the reasonable rage I can muster.

1062
00:43:45,706 --> 00:43:49,460
What a monumental waste of land,
time, and water.

1063
00:43:49,543 --> 00:43:51,128
For fuck's sake.

1064
00:43:51,211 --> 00:43:53,172
-[cheering and applause]
-Honestly.

1065
00:43:53,255 --> 00:43:56,258
Men who have families and play golf

1066
00:43:56,342 --> 00:43:57,635
are cunts.

1067
00:43:57,718 --> 00:43:59,511
[laughter]

1068
00:43:59,595 --> 00:44:02,056
You don't have time, fellas.
You've got a family.

1069
00:44:02,139 --> 00:44:04,767
Not a spare six hours to just
waltz around a park with your mates

1070
00:44:04,850 --> 00:44:07,478
while your womenfolk do unpaid labor!

1071
00:44:08,020 --> 00:44:08,896
Grow up!

1072
00:44:09,229 --> 00:44:11,398
[cheering]

1073
00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:13,734
There's more proof
men have named all the things.

1074
00:44:13,817 --> 00:44:15,986
What's the worst thing
you can call someone?

1075
00:44:16,236 --> 00:44:17,071
Cunt.

1076
00:44:17,488 --> 00:44:20,074
It's a reference to female genitalia,
and I won't have it.

1077
00:44:20,157 --> 00:44:22,076
When I use the C-word, I mean it.

1078
00:44:22,951 --> 00:44:25,371
I mean it to be the worst thing
you can call someone,

1079
00:44:25,454 --> 00:44:29,333
but I don't associate it
with my own biology or anybody's biology.

1080
00:44:29,416 --> 00:44:32,419
Do you know what I see in my mind's eye
when I use the C-word?

1081
00:44:32,503 --> 00:44:33,879
A literal golfer.

1082
00:44:34,296 --> 00:44:35,839
[laughter]

1083
00:44:35,923 --> 00:44:39,343
Just a rich, white chump in chinos
and one glove.

1084
00:44:39,426 --> 00:44:40,469
What a cunt.

1085
00:44:40,552 --> 00:44:41,428
[laughter]

1086
00:44:41,512 --> 00:44:45,516
Honestly, it cannot be a coincidence
that they're called cunt-ry clubs.

1087
00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:46,433
Come on.

1088
00:44:46,517 --> 00:44:48,310
[laughter and applause]

1089
00:44:52,606 --> 00:44:54,650
I'll tell you what, my...
my last show, Nanette,

1090
00:44:54,733 --> 00:44:56,610
gave a lot of people the puffer fish.

1091
00:44:56,694 --> 00:44:58,612
Like, pfff, you know you've made it.

1092
00:44:58,696 --> 00:45:00,823
And I say people, but it was only men.

1093
00:45:00,906 --> 00:45:02,533
[laughter]

1094
00:45:03,283 --> 00:45:05,953
Hashtag "not all men." Okay?

1095
00:45:06,036 --> 00:45:07,705
Of course, it's not all men.

1096
00:45:07,788 --> 00:45:09,665
It's never been all men.

1097
00:45:09,748 --> 00:45:13,043
Generally speaking, it's really
only the men who use that hashtag.

1098
00:45:13,127 --> 00:45:14,503
-They're the ones.
-[laughter]

1099
00:45:14,586 --> 00:45:16,922
You know, men, pronounced "me."

1100
00:45:17,005 --> 00:45:19,216
You know, they're the ones
who go out of their way

1101
00:45:19,299 --> 00:45:22,094
to let me know
that Nanette was not comedy.

1102
00:45:23,137 --> 00:45:26,598
"Because it didn't make me laugh
every step of the way."

1103
00:45:27,015 --> 00:45:28,684
First of all, good.

1104
00:45:28,767 --> 00:45:32,771
If that show made you laugh all the way
through, what the fuck is wrong with you?

1105
00:45:32,855 --> 00:45:33,897
[laughter]

1106
00:45:33,981 --> 00:45:36,650
Secondly, yes,
I turned the laugh tap off myself.

1107
00:45:36,734 --> 00:45:38,235
It was a decision. I stand by it.

1108
00:45:38,318 --> 00:45:41,113
It's not like I got halfway through
and thought, "Fuck, I'm out of jokes.

1109
00:45:41,196 --> 00:45:43,240
I'll tell a sad story.
I hope anyone won't notice."

1110
00:45:43,323 --> 00:45:44,199
[laughter]

1111
00:45:44,283 --> 00:45:47,870
I know better than anyone that what I did
with Nanette was not technically comedy.

1112
00:45:47,953 --> 00:45:49,246
But I'm also not a fucking idiot.

1113
00:45:49,329 --> 00:45:52,082
I wanted that show to have an audience,
and a broad audience,

1114
00:45:52,166 --> 00:45:54,293
and if that meant I had to trick people...

1115
00:45:54,793 --> 00:45:56,462
by calling it comedy...

1116
00:45:56,545 --> 00:45:57,463
[laughter]

1117
00:45:57,546 --> 00:45:59,006
that's technically a joke.

1118
00:45:59,089 --> 00:46:00,841
[laughter]

1119
00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:03,218
[cheering and applause]

1120
00:46:04,511 --> 00:46:05,929
But I have to say...

1121
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:10,601
I have to say, a bad joke
made so many men so viscerally angry

1122
00:46:10,684 --> 00:46:13,687
I'm surprised nobody accused me
of writing a sport, honestly.

1123
00:46:14,021 --> 00:46:15,230
-It...
-[laughter]

1124
00:46:15,689 --> 00:46:18,025
Look, first of all,
it doesn't bother me. Right?

1125
00:46:18,108 --> 00:46:20,235
This doesn't bother me. Look, look.

1126
00:46:20,319 --> 00:46:22,571
I've still got the loud stick.
I don't feel threatened.

1127
00:46:22,654 --> 00:46:24,072
In fact, I-I like the hate.

1128
00:46:24,156 --> 00:46:26,742
Death threats aside, it's fun.
Nom, nom, nom.

1129
00:46:26,825 --> 00:46:29,453
Right? But the thing is,
whenever I have a puffer fish...

1130
00:46:29,536 --> 00:46:30,370
[popping sound]

1131
00:46:30,829 --> 00:46:32,998
I always work under the assumption

1132
00:46:33,373 --> 00:46:37,085
that the problem is mostly me, right?
If I'm like... [popping sound]

1133
00:46:37,169 --> 00:46:39,713
It just doesn't seem
like a good place to start a dialog.

1134
00:46:39,797 --> 00:46:42,883
I have never written a letter
to Donatello or Waldo.

1135
00:46:43,425 --> 00:46:46,094
Like, no point.
One's dead and one's never home.

1136
00:46:46,178 --> 00:46:47,513
But still, I just...

1137
00:46:47,596 --> 00:46:48,680
[laughter]

1138
00:46:49,264 --> 00:46:50,182
Wouldn't occur to me.

1139
00:46:50,265 --> 00:46:53,477
But to this day,
I still get men sliding into my DMs

1140
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:55,646
to let me know, in all caps,

1141
00:46:55,729 --> 00:46:57,773
[loudly] that they've never heard of me.

1142
00:46:58,232 --> 00:46:59,650
[laughter]

1143
00:47:01,527 --> 00:47:02,402
It's a riddle.

1144
00:47:03,362 --> 00:47:04,738
How do they know?

1145
00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:09,076
Look, I can't experience the humiliation
I know they're so desperate for me to feel

1146
00:47:09,159 --> 00:47:11,495
because I can't help
but feel worried for them.

1147
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:13,455
Because that's a tough life.

1148
00:47:13,539 --> 00:47:15,207
If new things are so painful...

1149
00:47:15,290 --> 00:47:17,501
Ow. They.... That's a learning difficulty.

1150
00:47:17,584 --> 00:47:19,628
Imagine school for someone like that.

1151
00:47:20,587 --> 00:47:21,463
Long division.

1152
00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:23,340
[yells] "I've never fucking heard of it!"

1153
00:47:23,423 --> 00:47:24,550
[laughter]

1154
00:47:26,260 --> 00:47:30,639
I got accused of doing all sorts
of nefarious things in lieu of comedy.

1155
00:47:30,722 --> 00:47:32,975
I really did. Like a monologue.

1156
00:47:33,767 --> 00:47:35,602
What a monster, if true.

1157
00:47:35,686 --> 00:47:37,229
[laughter]

1158
00:47:37,312 --> 00:47:39,356
A glorified TED Talk. Uh-oh.

1159
00:47:39,857 --> 00:47:41,775
[laughter]

1160
00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:43,569
A one-woman show.

1161
00:47:44,069 --> 00:47:46,405
A lecture. A fucking lecture.
Can you believe that one?

1162
00:47:46,488 --> 00:47:47,990
The cheek of that one. A lecture.

1163
00:47:48,073 --> 00:47:51,118
Nanette was not a fucking lecture.
It wasn't a monologue either.

1164
00:47:51,201 --> 00:47:54,621
It wasn't like I was sitting on a stool
like a stunned mullet in a spotlight.

1165
00:47:54,705 --> 00:47:56,248
It wasn't a fucking monologue.

1166
00:47:56,331 --> 00:47:59,710
And a glorified TED Talk?
Why do they need glorifying?

1167
00:47:59,793 --> 00:48:01,211
They are fine.

1168
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,505
And a one-woman show?

1169
00:48:03,589 --> 00:48:05,507
No shit, Sherlock!

1170
00:48:05,591 --> 00:48:06,842
[laughter]

1171
00:48:06,925 --> 00:48:09,011
And it wasn't a fucking lecture.

1172
00:48:09,094 --> 00:48:12,014
You want a lecture?
I'll give you a fucking lecture.

1173
00:48:12,097 --> 00:48:13,599
This is a lecture!

1174
00:48:14,099 --> 00:48:16,226
[cheering and applause]

1175
00:48:26,945 --> 00:48:28,655
Now, there is some debate...

1176
00:48:28,906 --> 00:48:30,365
[laughter]

1177
00:48:31,158 --> 00:48:33,785
as to when the High Renaissance
actually began.

1178
00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:36,371
Some put it at 1490,

1179
00:48:36,455 --> 00:48:39,374
while others argue it began in 1500.

1180
00:48:39,458 --> 00:48:42,294
Either way, Donatello was fucking dead.

1181
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:43,921
[laughter]

1182
00:48:46,173 --> 00:48:50,719
Back in the 16th century,
Karen had very, very cold hands.

1183
00:48:50,802 --> 00:48:52,346
[laughter]

1184
00:48:52,888 --> 00:48:54,681
Give them a rub, Kaz. Come on.

1185
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:57,851
Now, this is Raphael's School of Athens.

1186
00:48:57,935 --> 00:49:01,188
This is where Raphael
has so kindly painted all the men

1187
00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:03,523
who named all of the things.

1188
00:49:03,607 --> 00:49:04,650
-Now...
-[laughter]

1189
00:49:04,733 --> 00:49:07,277
strictly speaking,
these are not Raphael's contemporaries,

1190
00:49:07,361 --> 00:49:09,404
although he has used their likeness.

1191
00:49:09,488 --> 00:49:11,448
But basically,
these are the ancient Greeks,

1192
00:49:11,531 --> 00:49:14,952
and, by the time Raphael painted this,
all the Greeks were dead.

1193
00:49:15,035 --> 00:49:16,370
Not all the Greeks. I am so sorry.

1194
00:49:16,453 --> 00:49:19,581
There are still a lot of Greeks
alive and thriving in the world today.

1195
00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:20,666
Hello and welcome.

1196
00:49:20,749 --> 00:49:23,293
No, just the ancient Greeks.
They are all dead.

1197
00:49:23,627 --> 00:49:26,505
They lived on a busy road.
It was built by the ancient Romans.

1198
00:49:26,588 --> 00:49:27,839
[laughter]

1199
00:49:29,633 --> 00:49:31,677
Now, who have we got here?
We've got Pythagoras.

1200
00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:34,012
He's busy naming all the triangles.

1201
00:49:34,096 --> 00:49:35,639
[laughter]

1202
00:49:36,098 --> 00:49:37,224
That's acute one.

1203
00:49:41,103 --> 00:49:42,354
You've got Socrates here.

1204
00:49:42,437 --> 00:49:44,648
He took a bit of a tumble.
Classic Socrates.

1205
00:49:44,731 --> 00:49:47,526
Good with the thoughts,
shit with the walk. Get up, mate. Arugula.

1206
00:49:47,609 --> 00:49:48,860
[laughter]

1207
00:49:49,653 --> 00:49:50,821
Now, what were the women doing

1208
00:49:50,904 --> 00:49:53,782
while all the men were doing the very
important naming of all the things?

1209
00:49:53,865 --> 00:49:55,158
From my research, what I gather,

1210
00:49:55,242 --> 00:49:58,912
women were generally standing around
in groups of three, naked,

1211
00:49:58,996 --> 00:50:03,417
just waiting for men
to name all of the things.

1212
00:50:04,126 --> 00:50:06,044
You can see it happening
with this central figure.

1213
00:50:06,128 --> 00:50:09,131
She's saying, "What have you got
in your hand there, Karen?"

1214
00:50:09,214 --> 00:50:10,549
[laughter]

1215
00:50:15,762 --> 00:50:17,472
"Oh, just a couple of bits and bobs."

1216
00:50:17,556 --> 00:50:19,057
[laughter]

1217
00:50:20,225 --> 00:50:23,895
Women were just holding things.
Just waiting, hoping it wasn't poisonous.

1218
00:50:23,979 --> 00:50:26,565
Waiting for men to name the things.

1219
00:50:26,648 --> 00:50:28,608
This was painted before beds were named.

1220
00:50:28,692 --> 00:50:31,069
You can see women
desperately trying to make the beds,

1221
00:50:31,153 --> 00:50:33,905
just flinging the linen
into the trees willy-nilly.

1222
00:50:33,989 --> 00:50:37,409
Just going, "Oh, I don't know.
Mm, let's just build a fort.

1223
00:50:37,492 --> 00:50:38,869
[laughter]

1224
00:50:38,952 --> 00:50:40,787
We'll make it a fancy fort.

1225
00:50:40,871 --> 00:50:42,456
[laughter]

1226
00:50:42,539 --> 00:50:45,083
Yay, we finished the fort!"

1227
00:50:45,167 --> 00:50:46,710
[laughter]

1228
00:50:46,793 --> 00:50:49,087
Dancing naked in groups of three
in the forest

1229
00:50:49,171 --> 00:50:52,174
is the number one hobby of women
of all time.

1230
00:50:52,257 --> 00:50:53,216
[laughter]

1231
00:50:53,300 --> 00:50:54,509
And don't we just love it.

1232
00:50:54,593 --> 00:50:57,095
Isn't that the safest thing
you've ever heard of? Oh, we love it.

1233
00:50:57,179 --> 00:50:59,056
Now, this might just look
like a footloose,

1234
00:50:59,139 --> 00:51:02,350
fancy-free frolic in the forest
on a bank holiday, no drama.

1235
00:51:02,434 --> 00:51:03,643
[laughter]

1236
00:51:03,727 --> 00:51:06,229
But let me draw your attention
to this group here.

1237
00:51:07,314 --> 00:51:10,108
That is too tight for fun times alone.

1238
00:51:10,192 --> 00:51:11,026
[laughter]

1239
00:51:11,109 --> 00:51:13,153
It suggests tension.

1240
00:51:13,236 --> 00:51:14,738
-[laughter]
-What has happened?

1241
00:51:14,821 --> 00:51:16,490
Has someone mentioned the paleo?

1242
00:51:16,573 --> 00:51:18,116
-No.
-[laughter]

1243
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:19,993
What has happened
is this central figure here

1244
00:51:20,077 --> 00:51:22,329
has realized that this bit of cloth,
this waft of gauze,

1245
00:51:22,412 --> 00:51:24,289
this potential fort, if you will...

1246
00:51:25,290 --> 00:51:28,085
has made its way so far up her clacker...

1247
00:51:28,168 --> 00:51:29,544
[laughter]

1248
00:51:29,628 --> 00:51:34,007
So far up her clacker,
it has both fannies covered.

1249
00:51:34,091 --> 00:51:34,925
[laughter]

1250
00:51:35,008 --> 00:51:37,385
And she is upset.

1251
00:51:37,469 --> 00:51:38,804
[laughter]

1252
00:51:39,805 --> 00:51:41,598
Now, it's worth pointing out,
at this juncture,

1253
00:51:41,681 --> 00:51:43,225
that this is not a photograph.

1254
00:51:43,308 --> 00:51:46,478
-This is not an accidental photograph...
-[laughter]

1255
00:51:46,561 --> 00:51:49,940
taken of an unfortunate moment. Awkward.

1256
00:51:50,023 --> 00:51:51,024
[laughter]

1257
00:51:51,108 --> 00:51:53,777
No, what this is, is a painting.

1258
00:51:53,860 --> 00:51:54,736
[laughter]

1259
00:51:55,153 --> 00:51:56,571
Which makes this...

1260
00:51:57,197 --> 00:51:58,532
[laughter]

1261
00:52:00,700 --> 00:52:01,952
[yells] a decision!

1262
00:52:02,035 --> 00:52:03,995
[laughter]

1263
00:52:04,079 --> 00:52:07,707
It's a decision that a man made
and spent time on.

1264
00:52:07,791 --> 00:52:08,917
"Ah..."

1265
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:10,127
[laughter]

1266
00:52:13,922 --> 00:52:15,340
[laughter continues]

1267
00:52:18,218 --> 00:52:19,177
[cheering]

1268
00:52:19,886 --> 00:52:21,555
[cheering and applause]

1269
00:52:32,691 --> 00:52:34,276
[laughter]

1270
00:52:35,944 --> 00:52:37,279
[laughter continues]

1271
00:52:40,615 --> 00:52:41,783
I have autism.

1272
00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:43,368
[laughter]

1273
00:52:44,286 --> 00:52:45,704
It's a tiny monologue.

1274
00:52:45,787 --> 00:52:46,955
[cheering]

1275
00:52:47,706 --> 00:52:48,915
[laughter]

1276
00:52:48,999 --> 00:52:51,918
I was very late diagnosed.
Only four years ago.

1277
00:52:52,252 --> 00:52:53,628
Diagnosed four years ago.

1278
00:52:53,712 --> 00:52:56,798
But I-I self-diagnosed first,

1279
00:52:56,882 --> 00:52:59,176
which is a great way
to approach any specialist.

1280
00:52:59,259 --> 00:53:00,802
Ooh, they love it. Oh.

1281
00:53:00,886 --> 00:53:03,555
They say,
"Tell me more about what you think."

1282
00:53:03,638 --> 00:53:05,056
-Um...
-[laughter]

1283
00:53:05,140 --> 00:53:08,435
But the only reason
I even thought to self-diagnose

1284
00:53:08,518 --> 00:53:10,979
was because people kept telling me.

1285
00:53:12,063 --> 00:53:13,190
It was usually after a show.

1286
00:53:13,273 --> 00:53:15,901
People would just come up to me and say,
"I think you have autism."

1287
00:53:15,984 --> 00:53:17,277
[laughter]

1288
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:20,155
To be fair to every single person
that's ever done that to me in my life,

1289
00:53:20,238 --> 00:53:22,616
I think they were all on the spectrum.

1290
00:53:23,116 --> 00:53:24,993
Because that's how we roll.

1291
00:53:25,076 --> 00:53:28,580
Pretty much, it's like, "I have a piece
of information you seem to be missing.

1292
00:53:28,663 --> 00:53:29,956
[laughter]

1293
00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:32,042
You may or may not be ready
to hear this information,

1294
00:53:32,125 --> 00:53:33,877
but I'll tell you,
because knowledge is power,

1295
00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:36,213
ignorance is a cage.
and feelings can be dealt with.

1296
00:53:36,296 --> 00:53:37,422
I bid you good day."

1297
00:53:37,505 --> 00:53:39,216
[laughter]

1298
00:53:40,258 --> 00:53:42,719
My issue was I didn't understand
enough about autism

1299
00:53:42,802 --> 00:53:44,804
to understand how I could have autism.

1300
00:53:44,888 --> 00:53:46,973
Because what we popularly understand
autism to be

1301
00:53:47,057 --> 00:53:50,060
is just something that only affects
young boys that like maths a lot.

1302
00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:53,521
And, to this day,
neither of those things apply to me.

1303
00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:55,565
So people would tell me,
"I think you have autism."

1304
00:53:55,649 --> 00:53:57,484
I'm like, "I don't understand
how you got that."

1305
00:53:57,567 --> 00:53:59,861
I mean, sure I've been vaccinated,
but other than that...

1306
00:53:59,945 --> 00:54:01,321
Oh, hey!

1307
00:54:01,404 --> 00:54:02,239
[audience] Oh.

1308
00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:04,282
Here it is. Oh.

1309
00:54:04,783 --> 00:54:06,409
Strap yourselves in.

1310
00:54:06,493 --> 00:54:07,535
[laughter]

1311
00:54:07,619 --> 00:54:12,040
Of all the toxic myths about autism,
that's got to be right up the top.

1312
00:54:12,123 --> 00:54:13,750
Not least because we know...

1313
00:54:14,334 --> 00:54:18,004
[chuckles] that vaccinations
do not cause autism.

1314
00:54:18,088 --> 00:54:19,547
Do you know what causes autism?

1315
00:54:19,631 --> 00:54:22,175
No. You fucking don't.

1316
00:54:22,259 --> 00:54:23,593
[laughter]

1317
00:54:24,636 --> 00:54:26,554
-And if...
-[cheering and applause]

1318
00:54:26,638 --> 00:54:28,848
If you honestly think you do,

1319
00:54:28,932 --> 00:54:32,143
your confidence is making you stupid.

1320
00:54:32,227 --> 00:54:33,186
[laughter]

1321
00:54:33,270 --> 00:54:35,397
Now, I also know
that there's nothing I can say

1322
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:37,440
that can change an anti-vaxxer's mind.

1323
00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:40,443
I know that,
because that's not how closed minds work.

1324
00:54:40,527 --> 00:54:41,653
They don't work.

1325
00:54:41,736 --> 00:54:42,862
[laughter]

1326
00:54:42,946 --> 00:54:45,073
They're closed for business. Right?

1327
00:54:45,156 --> 00:54:48,034
So... like, to open a closed mind,
it has to be an inside job.

1328
00:54:48,118 --> 00:54:50,870
So I know there's nothing I can do
that'll change an anti-vaxxer's mind.

1329
00:54:50,954 --> 00:54:52,622
I'm gonna have a go anyway.
Gonna have a go.

1330
00:54:52,706 --> 00:54:56,001
Because my theory is,
by accusing them of having a closed mind,

1331
00:54:56,084 --> 00:54:59,004
they'll be reactive and go, "No, I don't,"
and I'll get in.

1332
00:54:59,087 --> 00:55:01,172
[laughter]

1333
00:55:01,256 --> 00:55:03,758
And there will be anti-vaxxers
in this room. Absolutely.

1334
00:55:03,842 --> 00:55:07,554
Do not identify yourselves. Do not.
That is not what's happening here.

1335
00:55:07,637 --> 00:55:09,055
[laughter]

1336
00:55:09,139 --> 00:55:10,181
You are outnumbered.

1337
00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:12,642
And I know you like
to willfully manipulate statistics,

1338
00:55:12,726 --> 00:55:14,227
but this is even beyond you.

1339
00:55:14,311 --> 00:55:15,478
[laughter]

1340
00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:16,813
[applause]

1341
00:55:16,896 --> 00:55:17,814
And also...

1342
00:55:18,523 --> 00:55:21,943
And there will be anti-vaxxers
in this room, make no mistake,

1343
00:55:22,027 --> 00:55:24,946
because my core demographic
is rich, white, entitled women,

1344
00:55:25,030 --> 00:55:28,491
and that is a Venn diagram
with a lot of crossover.

1345
00:55:28,575 --> 00:55:30,493
[cheering and applause]

1346
00:55:33,079 --> 00:55:34,706
But if you are an anti-vaxxer,

1347
00:55:34,789 --> 00:55:37,500
I can guarantee you,
you will not like this next bit.

1348
00:55:37,584 --> 00:55:38,835
[laughter]

1349
00:55:38,918 --> 00:55:41,629
But if you've been laughing
the whole way through the show

1350
00:55:41,713 --> 00:55:43,048
and you suddenly stop now,

1351
00:55:43,131 --> 00:55:44,674
everyone will know.

1352
00:55:44,758 --> 00:55:46,301
[laughter]

1353
00:55:47,594 --> 00:55:49,846
So if that's not
what you want to happen...

1354
00:55:50,305 --> 00:55:51,514
just do a bit of this.

1355
00:55:51,598 --> 00:55:52,724
[laughter]

1356
00:55:52,807 --> 00:55:54,976
You will not be enjoying it.
Just do a bit of that.

1357
00:55:55,060 --> 00:55:56,353
[laughter]

1358
00:55:59,022 --> 00:56:02,400
All right, anti-vaxxers.
Let's pretend you're right.

1359
00:56:02,484 --> 00:56:03,360
You're not.

1360
00:56:03,818 --> 00:56:05,362
[laughter]

1361
00:56:05,445 --> 00:56:07,530
Pretending is not science, but let's...

1362
00:56:07,864 --> 00:56:09,282
[laughter]

1363
00:56:11,409 --> 00:56:15,163
Let's im-- Let's pretend you're right,
that vaccinations cause autism.

1364
00:56:15,246 --> 00:56:16,206
They don't.

1365
00:56:16,289 --> 00:56:17,707
[laughter]

1366
00:56:18,833 --> 00:56:20,043
Now what?

1367
00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:24,422
Because, as somebody who exists
on the autism spectrum,

1368
00:56:24,506 --> 00:56:25,715
let me say this to you.

1369
00:56:25,799 --> 00:56:28,176
I'm happy to take one for the team.

1370
00:56:28,676 --> 00:56:30,929
And I'm not suggesting
that autism is easy.

1371
00:56:31,012 --> 00:56:32,847
It isn't. It is difficult.

1372
00:56:33,264 --> 00:56:35,100
And I will not and cannot deny that.

1373
00:56:35,183 --> 00:56:37,852
But as difficult as this life is,
it's nice to have a life,

1374
00:56:37,936 --> 00:56:40,021
and it's particularly nice
to have that life

1375
00:56:40,105 --> 00:56:41,940
in a world without...

1376
00:56:42,023 --> 00:56:43,108
[yells] polio!

1377
00:56:43,191 --> 00:56:44,859
[laughter]

1378
00:56:44,943 --> 00:56:46,569
[cheering and applause]

1379
00:56:46,653 --> 00:56:49,989
Polio is bad!

1380
00:56:50,073 --> 00:56:50,949
[cheering]

1381
00:56:51,032 --> 00:56:54,744
And that is a fact, not a feeling.

1382
00:56:54,828 --> 00:56:55,787
[laughter]

1383
00:56:55,870 --> 00:57:00,667
And I would much prefer to have autism
than be a sociopath like you.

1384
00:57:00,750 --> 00:57:02,085
Let me explain.

1385
00:57:02,168 --> 00:57:03,503
[laughter]

1386
00:57:04,295 --> 00:57:07,632
'Cause if you honestly think
that your child, your only, single child,

1387
00:57:07,715 --> 00:57:10,802
is more important
than all the other children collectively,

1388
00:57:11,636 --> 00:57:12,887
you're not playing for the team.

1389
00:57:12,971 --> 00:57:14,597
And if you don't want to play
for the team,

1390
00:57:14,681 --> 00:57:17,684
why the fuck are you even having children?

1391
00:57:17,767 --> 00:57:19,727
Get a pet rock

1392
00:57:19,811 --> 00:57:22,313
and delete your fucking blog!

1393
00:57:22,730 --> 00:57:24,274
[cheering and applause]

1394
00:57:31,489 --> 00:57:32,449
Got that off my chest.

1395
00:57:32,532 --> 00:57:35,702
Now, I do know that once
this is streaming, that little bit...

1396
00:57:36,453 --> 00:57:39,497
is opening me up
to a whole world of a hate campaign

1397
00:57:39,581 --> 00:57:40,748
from the anti-vax movement.

1398
00:57:40,832 --> 00:57:43,626
Because, make no mistake,
they are coordinated.

1399
00:57:43,710 --> 00:57:45,962
They are not random. They are a cult.

1400
00:57:46,045 --> 00:57:47,505
And I've only been...

1401
00:57:47,589 --> 00:57:48,423
[laughter]

1402
00:57:48,506 --> 00:57:51,843
I've only been telling this material
one room at a time,

1403
00:57:51,926 --> 00:57:53,887
and the hate is already trickling in,

1404
00:57:53,970 --> 00:57:56,681
and it is targeted, and it is venomous.

1405
00:57:57,098 --> 00:57:58,933
But it doesn't bother me.
Don't worry about it.

1406
00:57:59,017 --> 00:58:00,602
Like, I snack on it. "Mmm, nom, nom, nom."

1407
00:58:00,685 --> 00:58:02,812
-It's really... It's fine.
-[laughter]

1408
00:58:02,896 --> 00:58:06,524
You have worked out why I do that, yeah?
Why I snack on hate? You've worked it out?

1409
00:58:07,025 --> 00:58:09,819
It's how you build up immunity.
It's called micro-dosing.

1410
00:58:09,903 --> 00:58:11,279
[laughter]

1411
00:58:12,322 --> 00:58:15,283
Yeah. Your hate is my vaccine.

1412
00:58:15,742 --> 00:58:17,243
[laughter]

1413
00:58:17,327 --> 00:58:18,203
[chuckles]

1414
00:58:18,912 --> 00:58:21,289
What are you gonna do?
I've already got autism.

1415
00:58:21,372 --> 00:58:22,790
[laughter]

1416
00:58:29,255 --> 00:58:32,217
I have what's called
high-functioning autism,

1417
00:58:32,300 --> 00:58:34,636
which is a terrible name for what I have,

1418
00:58:34,719 --> 00:58:37,931
because it gives the impression
that I function highly.

1419
00:58:38,014 --> 00:58:39,933
-[laughter]
-I do not.

1420
00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:42,810
To give you an idea of what it feels like
to be on the spectrum,

1421
00:58:42,894 --> 00:58:46,689
basically, it feels like being the only
sober person in a room full of drunks.

1422
00:58:46,773 --> 00:58:47,732
Or the other way around.

1423
00:58:47,815 --> 00:58:51,694
Basically, everyone is operating
on a wavelength you can't quite key into.

1424
00:58:51,778 --> 00:58:53,071
To give you a visual...

1425
00:58:53,947 --> 00:58:54,781
This woman...

1426
00:58:55,406 --> 00:58:56,866
[laughter]

1427
00:58:58,618 --> 00:59:00,411
is on the spectrum. That is...

1428
00:59:00,995 --> 00:59:03,373
the story of my fucking life.

1429
00:59:03,456 --> 00:59:04,290
[laughter]

1430
00:59:04,374 --> 00:59:08,503
Honestly. "Oh, it was a funeral
same place, same time last week.

1431
00:59:08,586 --> 00:59:09,462
[laughter]

1432
00:59:09,546 --> 00:59:11,256
Why didn't I get the memo?

1433
00:59:11,339 --> 00:59:12,257
[laughter]

1434
00:59:12,340 --> 00:59:14,592
Why are they kissing?
I don't like the sound."

1435
00:59:14,676 --> 00:59:16,010
[laughter]

1436
00:59:19,597 --> 00:59:21,766
I never get the memo. I never do.

1437
00:59:21,849 --> 00:59:23,226
I've always missed the memo.

1438
00:59:23,309 --> 00:59:25,645
I remember going
from being the teacher's pet

1439
00:59:25,728 --> 00:59:29,482
to bring the teacher's nemesis
in one lesson.

1440
00:59:29,566 --> 00:59:33,653
And until I was diagnosed,
I never understood what had happened.

1441
00:59:33,736 --> 00:59:38,408
The lesson was on prepositions,
so strap yourselves in for this story.

1442
00:59:38,491 --> 00:59:40,994
Now, I do like my teacher.
She was a good teacher.

1443
00:59:41,077 --> 00:59:44,163
I liked the way she explained things,
but we lost each other this way.

1444
00:59:44,247 --> 00:59:46,958
This is how she began the lesson.
She said, "Imagine a box."

1445
00:59:47,041 --> 00:59:48,960
And I could do that.
I was gifted to a point.

1446
00:59:49,043 --> 00:59:50,628
Visual thinker. Good box, solid.

1447
00:59:50,712 --> 00:59:53,047
Three-dimensional, nothing fancy,
but there.

1448
00:59:54,132 --> 00:59:56,175
And then she said, "A preposition

1449
00:59:56,259 --> 01:00:00,305
is a word that explains your relationship
to the box."

1450
01:00:00,847 --> 01:00:03,308
And that's when my thinking
just fell apart,

1451
01:00:03,391 --> 01:00:06,644
because I thought, "I'm related to a box?"

1452
01:00:06,728 --> 01:00:08,229
[laughter]

1453
01:00:08,563 --> 01:00:11,316
Then she said,
"Now, you can be behind the box.

1454
01:00:11,399 --> 01:00:13,860
Does anybody know
what the preposition is there?"

1455
01:00:13,943 --> 01:00:16,112
No, they didn't, but I had a question.

1456
01:00:16,195 --> 01:00:17,071
[laughter]

1457
01:00:17,155 --> 01:00:20,033
I said, "Am I made of box?"

1458
01:00:20,116 --> 01:00:21,618
[laughter]

1459
01:00:22,368 --> 01:00:24,078
Now, let me bring you
into my thinking there.

1460
01:00:24,162 --> 01:00:26,664
I thought if I was related to a box,
we must share DNA,

1461
01:00:26,748 --> 01:00:28,666
and it made more sense in my head

1462
01:00:28,750 --> 01:00:31,753
that I would be made of box
than the box would be made of me.

1463
01:00:32,045 --> 01:00:33,546
But my teacher was not privy

1464
01:00:33,630 --> 01:00:36,591
to that gifted train of thought
circling my head there.

1465
01:00:36,674 --> 01:00:40,386
So she was a bit thrown, and she said,
"No, Hannah, you're not made of box.

1466
01:00:41,054 --> 01:00:43,097
I'm surprised you had to ask that.

1467
01:00:43,181 --> 01:00:44,641
[laughter]

1468
01:00:47,185 --> 01:00:50,271
So, okay, you can be
in front of the box then.

1469
01:00:50,355 --> 01:00:52,440
Does anybody know
what the preposition is there?"

1470
01:00:52,523 --> 01:00:54,692
No, they didn't.
But I had another question.

1471
01:00:54,776 --> 01:00:55,610
[laughter]

1472
01:00:55,693 --> 01:00:58,321
I said, "Does the box have a name?"

1473
01:00:58,404 --> 01:00:59,238
[laughter]

1474
01:00:59,322 --> 01:01:03,201
I thought if I had a name,
I could work out how we were related.

1475
01:01:03,284 --> 01:01:04,994
Maybe we were cousins.

1476
01:01:05,536 --> 01:01:07,872
And she said, "No, it's a box.

1477
01:01:07,955 --> 01:01:10,416
-[laughter]
-Boxes don't have names, Hannah.

1478
01:01:10,917 --> 01:01:13,169
What boxes do you know have names?"

1479
01:01:13,544 --> 01:01:16,047
And I started listing breakfast cereals.

1480
01:01:16,130 --> 01:01:17,757
[laughter]

1481
01:01:20,176 --> 01:01:21,678
She's like, "All right, okay.

1482
01:01:23,054 --> 01:01:26,391
You can be beside the box. Does anybody
know what the preposition is there?"

1483
01:01:26,474 --> 01:01:27,350
No, they didn't.

1484
01:01:27,433 --> 01:01:29,185
-But I had another question.
-[laughter]

1485
01:01:29,268 --> 01:01:31,270
I don't remember my thinking
behind this question,

1486
01:01:31,354 --> 01:01:34,399
but I remember asking it,
because when I did, everybody laughed

1487
01:01:34,482 --> 01:01:36,651
and I had no idea why.

1488
01:01:36,734 --> 01:01:39,487
But I remembered
really liking the feeling.

1489
01:01:39,570 --> 01:01:40,488
Uh-oh.

1490
01:01:40,863 --> 01:01:42,615
[laughter]

1491
01:01:42,699 --> 01:01:43,783
This was the question.

1492
01:01:43,866 --> 01:01:46,494
I said, "Am I allowed to eat the box?"

1493
01:01:46,577 --> 01:01:48,162
[laughter]

1494
01:01:49,664 --> 01:01:53,167
Of course, yes, everybody is laughing,
except me and the teacher.

1495
01:01:53,251 --> 01:01:56,337
Looking back, I don't know
why the fuck she wasn't laughing.

1496
01:01:56,421 --> 01:01:58,881
-As far as jokes go, that's a classic.
-[laughter]

1497
01:01:58,965 --> 01:02:02,343
A baby dyke just asked
if she was allowed to eat the box.

1498
01:02:02,427 --> 01:02:04,095
[laughter]

1499
01:02:04,178 --> 01:02:06,848
She didn't think it was funny.
She was like, "Okay. All right. Okay.

1500
01:02:06,931 --> 01:02:08,474
[shushing]

1501
01:02:09,142 --> 01:02:11,561
Calm down.
Okay, we might be on the wrong track.

1502
01:02:11,644 --> 01:02:15,440
How about we imagine something else
in relation to the box then?

1503
01:02:15,898 --> 01:02:17,650
Okay? How about a penguin?

1504
01:02:18,192 --> 01:02:19,402
[laughter]

1505
01:02:19,485 --> 01:02:22,280
Now, the penguin can be inside the box.

1506
01:02:22,363 --> 01:02:24,699
Does anybody know
what the preposition is there?"

1507
01:02:24,782 --> 01:02:28,411
No, they didn't, but I had
some fucking questions about the penguin.

1508
01:02:28,494 --> 01:02:31,664
-[laughter]
-I said, "What is the penguin made of?"

1509
01:02:31,748 --> 01:02:33,291
[laughter]

1510
01:02:33,374 --> 01:02:36,002
And that was the question
that broke my teacher.

1511
01:02:36,085 --> 01:02:38,087
You know you've broken a teacher

1512
01:02:38,171 --> 01:02:41,090
when a teacher who never swears
swears bad.

1513
01:02:41,174 --> 01:02:42,175
[laughter]

1514
01:02:42,258 --> 01:02:44,427
So I went, "What's the penguin made of?"

1515
01:02:44,510 --> 01:02:46,971
And she's like, "Penguin?
I mean... [exhales]

1516
01:02:47,513 --> 01:02:49,599
It's made of fucking penguin!"

1517
01:02:49,682 --> 01:02:51,392
[laughter]

1518
01:02:51,476 --> 01:02:54,061
And as far as answers go, that's... mwah."

1519
01:02:54,145 --> 01:02:57,106
-[laughter]
-Like, that is watertight.

1520
01:02:57,190 --> 01:02:58,524
That is a stunning answer.

1521
01:02:58,608 --> 01:03:00,359
You can't logic out of that answer.

1522
01:03:00,443 --> 01:03:01,861
That is a good answer.

1523
01:03:01,944 --> 01:03:03,321
[laughter]

1524
01:03:03,404 --> 01:03:05,615
At that point, I thought,
"I might be on the wrong track."

1525
01:03:05,698 --> 01:03:07,366
But I had other questions pressing,

1526
01:03:07,450 --> 01:03:10,286
but I thought, "Now doesn't seem the time.
She seems upset."

1527
01:03:10,369 --> 01:03:11,537
[laughter]

1528
01:03:11,621 --> 01:03:13,706
So what I thought is,
"I might hang on to my question."

1529
01:03:13,790 --> 01:03:15,583
That's what I thought,
and that was my mistake.

1530
01:03:15,666 --> 01:03:18,628
I should have asked my question then
while we were in the thick of it...

1531
01:03:19,545 --> 01:03:20,505
or not at all.

1532
01:03:20,922 --> 01:03:22,882
Because I did the worst possible thing.

1533
01:03:22,965 --> 01:03:25,426
I waited until she felt safe.

1534
01:03:25,510 --> 01:03:27,386
[laughter]

1535
01:03:27,470 --> 01:03:28,846
Then I asked my question.

1536
01:03:28,930 --> 01:03:31,182
But I waited so long,
it wasn't even the same lesson.

1537
01:03:31,265 --> 01:03:34,227
It was much later in the day,
in silent reading.

1538
01:03:34,310 --> 01:03:35,978
[laughter]

1539
01:03:36,062 --> 01:03:38,648
I waited so long,
it wasn't even a question anymore.

1540
01:03:38,731 --> 01:03:40,983
It was more of a theory,
and that made it worse.

1541
01:03:41,067 --> 01:03:42,568
[laughter]

1542
01:03:42,652 --> 01:03:44,654
I said, "What if...

1543
01:03:44,737 --> 01:03:46,239
[laughter]

1544
01:03:46,322 --> 01:03:48,366
the penguin ate the box?

1545
01:03:48,449 --> 01:03:50,076
[laughter]

1546
01:03:50,159 --> 01:03:53,913
Wouldn't then you say
the penguin's a little bit made of box?"

1547
01:03:53,996 --> 01:03:55,414
[laughter]

1548
01:03:55,498 --> 01:03:56,457
She's like, "Get out."

1549
01:03:56,541 --> 01:03:59,710
And that was the first,
but not the last time, I was sent out

1550
01:03:59,794 --> 01:04:02,213
for reasons I had no idea why.

1551
01:04:02,296 --> 01:04:03,172
[laughter]

1552
01:04:03,256 --> 01:04:07,760
Because the thing is,
I was genuinely engaged in that lesson.

1553
01:04:08,052 --> 01:04:11,138
Like, I really-- I really wanted to know
what a preposition was.

1554
01:04:11,222 --> 01:04:13,140
I wasn't sitting there going,
"Prepositions?

1555
01:04:13,224 --> 01:04:15,226
[yells] I've never fucking heard of them!"

1556
01:04:15,309 --> 01:04:17,144
[laughter]

1557
01:04:17,228 --> 01:04:18,604
But as she explained to me later,

1558
01:04:18,688 --> 01:04:21,148
she said,
"You were being deliberately obtuse."

1559
01:04:21,524 --> 01:04:23,317
I'm like, "But I'm not a triangle."

1560
01:04:23,401 --> 01:04:25,152
[laughter]

1561
01:04:26,737 --> 01:04:29,282
I did not learn what a preposition was
that day.

1562
01:04:29,365 --> 01:04:31,409
Look, I understand what they are now.
I'm all over it.

1563
01:04:31,492 --> 01:04:34,078
And I also understand,
if the penguin ate the box...

1564
01:04:34,620 --> 01:04:37,915
the penguin would be around the box.

1565
01:04:37,999 --> 01:04:39,250
[laughter]

1566
01:04:42,420 --> 01:04:47,633
Honestly, the day I was formally diagnosed
with autism was a very good day.

1567
01:04:48,050 --> 01:04:52,513
Because it felt like I'd been
handed the keys to the city of me.

1568
01:04:53,097 --> 01:04:54,765
Because I was able to make sense

1569
01:04:54,849 --> 01:04:58,102
of so many things
that had only ever been confusing to me.

1570
01:04:58,185 --> 01:05:01,647
Like why I could be so intelligent
but struggle to leave any proof.

1571
01:05:02,023 --> 01:05:03,608
[laughter]

1572
01:05:04,817 --> 01:05:07,486
Why I can't fill in forms. Why...

1573
01:05:07,904 --> 01:05:12,283
Wh-- Why I felt such a profound
sense of isolation my entire life,

1574
01:05:12,366 --> 01:05:14,827
despite trying so hard
to be part of the team.

1575
01:05:15,453 --> 01:05:18,664
And that is a big thing
about being on the spectrum. It is lonely.

1576
01:05:18,748 --> 01:05:20,666
I find it very difficult
to connect to others,

1577
01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:25,129
because my brain takes me to places
where nobody else lives.

1578
01:05:25,212 --> 01:05:27,673
And you can't just start talking to people

1579
01:05:27,757 --> 01:05:30,217
about the Pouch of Douglas
at the dog park.

1580
01:05:30,301 --> 01:05:31,302
[laughter]

1581
01:05:31,385 --> 01:05:35,056
People do not like it.
And I tried more than once.

1582
01:05:35,139 --> 01:05:36,724
[laughter]

1583
01:05:37,266 --> 01:05:41,020
But I'm not here to collect your pity.
I'm here to disrupt your confidence.

1584
01:05:41,520 --> 01:05:44,690
Because, clearly, I've worked out a way
to share my thinking.

1585
01:05:45,024 --> 01:05:46,192
Haven't I?

1586
01:05:46,442 --> 01:05:50,321
Like, you can call this
whatever the fuck you need to call this.

1587
01:05:50,404 --> 01:05:51,322
A monologue.

1588
01:05:51,906 --> 01:05:52,865
A lecture.

1589
01:05:53,616 --> 01:05:55,868
You say "Tomato,"
I say, "Ketchup, busy road."

1590
01:05:55,952 --> 01:05:57,036
Let me dumb it down for you.

1591
01:05:57,119 --> 01:05:58,496
What this show is

1592
01:05:58,579 --> 01:06:01,540
is a metaphorical preposition
that explains the relationship

1593
01:06:01,624 --> 01:06:04,210
between what you think
you think you see me think...

1594
01:06:04,877 --> 01:06:06,796
and what I'm genuinely able to think.

1595
01:06:06,879 --> 01:06:09,882
Because I like the way that I think.

1596
01:06:10,257 --> 01:06:12,176
If the world is right and I'm right in it,

1597
01:06:12,259 --> 01:06:14,762
I can find my funny zip
and my thinking expands.

1598
01:06:14,845 --> 01:06:17,390
There is beauty in the way that I think.

1599
01:06:17,473 --> 01:06:19,433
I don't think outside the box.

1600
01:06:20,017 --> 01:06:22,687
But, as it turns out, if I ask nicely,

1601
01:06:22,770 --> 01:06:25,856
yes, I am allowed to eat the box.

1602
01:06:25,940 --> 01:06:27,650
[laughter and cheering]

1603
01:06:27,733 --> 01:06:28,567
Oh, look.

1604
01:06:28,651 --> 01:06:29,527
[applause]

1605
01:06:29,610 --> 01:06:31,278
Sponsored by McDonald's.

1606
01:06:31,362 --> 01:06:32,530
[laughter]

1607
01:06:32,613 --> 01:06:34,323
Can you see him? Can you see him?

1608
01:06:34,407 --> 01:06:35,533
What a cunt.

1609
01:06:35,616 --> 01:06:36,951
[laughter]

1610
01:06:38,494 --> 01:06:41,080
Now, this is Saint Bernard.

1611
01:06:41,163 --> 01:06:43,124
That's Saint Bernard,
that's the Virgin Mary,

1612
01:06:43,207 --> 01:06:45,960
that's the baby JC,
and that is a tiny lion.

1613
01:06:46,043 --> 01:06:48,129
[laughter]

1614
01:06:48,212 --> 01:06:51,298
Now, can you see the main action
that's going on in this picture?

1615
01:06:51,382 --> 01:06:53,759
Can you see what's happening?
The Virgin Mary...

1616
01:06:54,051 --> 01:06:57,513
is lactating on his fucking face.

1617
01:06:57,596 --> 01:06:59,140
-[squirting sound]
-[laughter]

1618
01:06:59,849 --> 01:07:01,350
-[squirting sound]
-G'day.

1619
01:07:01,434 --> 01:07:02,643
Now, this guy's going,

1620
01:07:02,727 --> 01:07:05,396
"You know, look, I'm-- I'm usually
the weirdest thing in a picture.

1621
01:07:05,479 --> 01:07:06,313
[laughter]

1622
01:07:06,397 --> 01:07:07,356
I'm a tiny lion."

1623
01:07:07,440 --> 01:07:08,441
But he's not though,

1624
01:07:08,524 --> 01:07:11,736
because the Virgin Mary
is lactating on his fucking face.

1625
01:07:12,403 --> 01:07:15,281
Now, this picture tells the story
of how Bernard became Saint Bernard.

1626
01:07:15,364 --> 01:07:17,199
One day, he was regular old Bernard.

1627
01:07:17,616 --> 01:07:18,743
And then he had a vision.

1628
01:07:18,826 --> 01:07:21,662
And in that vision,
the Virgin Mary appeared to him...

1629
01:07:22,538 --> 01:07:25,541
and lactated on his fucking face.

1630
01:07:25,624 --> 01:07:26,459
[laughter]

1631
01:07:26,542 --> 01:07:29,211
Now, I'm not judging the bloke.
We've all had the dreams.

1632
01:07:29,295 --> 01:07:30,129
[laughter]

1633
01:07:30,212 --> 01:07:31,964
We've all had them,
where we wake up and go,

1634
01:07:32,048 --> 01:07:33,841
"I did not know that about myself."

1635
01:07:33,924 --> 01:07:35,092
[laughter]

1636
01:07:35,176 --> 01:07:36,260
It's fine.

1637
01:07:36,343 --> 01:07:38,387
What's weird though
is he did not wake up and go,

1638
01:07:38,471 --> 01:07:40,473
"I might file that under 'Secret.'"

1639
01:07:40,556 --> 01:07:42,099
[laughter]

1640
01:07:42,183 --> 01:07:43,350
No, that's not what he did.

1641
01:07:43,434 --> 01:07:45,853
He woke up and said,
"I'd better tell the fellas."

1642
01:07:45,936 --> 01:07:46,771
[laughter]

1643
01:07:46,854 --> 01:07:49,148
And then the fellas have a meeting
and go, "This is amazing.

1644
01:07:49,231 --> 01:07:50,983
We'd better call this one a saint."

1645
01:07:51,734 --> 01:07:53,569
He's a saint now, 'cause... What? Sorry?

1646
01:07:54,028 --> 01:07:54,862
What?

1647
01:07:55,362 --> 01:07:59,116
He's a saint 'cause what?
He had a wet dream?

1648
01:07:59,200 --> 01:08:00,034
[laughter]

1649
01:08:00,117 --> 01:08:01,702
And now he's a fucking saint?

1650
01:08:01,786 --> 01:08:06,165
He witnessed the miracle of lactation
and now he's a saint?

1651
01:08:07,625 --> 01:08:10,836
He made it about himself,
and now he's a fuck...

1652
01:08:10,920 --> 01:08:12,630
This is a low bar.

1653
01:08:13,047 --> 01:08:16,050
This is proof
men have named all the things

1654
01:08:16,133 --> 01:08:18,094
and rigged the fucking game.

1655
01:08:18,177 --> 01:08:19,345
This is not enough.

1656
01:08:19,428 --> 01:08:20,971
Let's talk about a meritocracy.

1657
01:08:21,055 --> 01:08:22,973
Now, this is Saint Cecilia.

1658
01:08:23,974 --> 01:08:27,186
She had to learn the fucking cello!

1659
01:08:27,269 --> 01:08:28,479
[laughter]

1660
01:08:28,562 --> 01:08:29,688
What did Bernie do?

1661
01:08:29,772 --> 01:08:31,565
"Ahh!"

1662
01:08:31,649 --> 01:08:32,817
[laughter]

1663
01:08:36,112 --> 01:08:38,280
It is not enough.

1664
01:08:40,574 --> 01:08:44,036
Isn't it weird that the cello
has been invented,

1665
01:08:44,120 --> 01:08:45,663
but not the music stand?

1666
01:08:45,746 --> 01:08:47,206
[laughter]

1667
01:08:47,289 --> 01:08:50,292
Why are they still relying
on small, naked babies?

1668
01:08:50,376 --> 01:08:51,460
[laughter]

1669
01:08:53,045 --> 01:08:54,171
This is my favorite painting.

1670
01:08:54,255 --> 01:08:58,300
This is The Duchess of Alba
by the great Spanish artist Goya.

1671
01:08:58,384 --> 01:09:01,804
I love it because she would have paid
a pretty penny for this portrait,

1672
01:09:01,887 --> 01:09:03,722
and she paid that pretty penny

1673
01:09:03,806 --> 01:09:07,434
just so she could tell people
for centuries to come...

1674
01:09:07,852 --> 01:09:09,854
that she's got shoes on.

1675
01:09:09,937 --> 01:09:11,814
[laughter]

1676
01:09:11,897 --> 01:09:14,358
"I've got shoes on! I've got shoes on!

1677
01:09:14,441 --> 01:09:16,569
Y'all, I got shoes on!"

1678
01:09:16,652 --> 01:09:17,570
[laughter]

1679
01:09:17,653 --> 01:09:20,030
That is what I imagine
the whippet was saying in the dog park.

1680
01:09:20,114 --> 01:09:21,323
"I got shoes on!"

1681
01:09:21,407 --> 01:09:22,825
[laughter]

1682
01:09:25,870 --> 01:09:28,164
Women getting stuck to rocks

1683
01:09:28,247 --> 01:09:32,168
is the number two hobby
of ladies of all time.

1684
01:09:32,251 --> 01:09:33,794
[laughter]

1685
01:09:33,878 --> 01:09:35,546
All time.

1686
01:09:35,629 --> 01:09:38,716
This is under... This one's made of rock.

1687
01:09:39,508 --> 01:09:42,136
They are just getting stuck.
Look, what is happening here?

1688
01:09:42,219 --> 01:09:44,471
-Like just... Like, what?
-[laughter]

1689
01:09:44,555 --> 01:09:47,766
That is a salty, salty body of water.

1690
01:09:48,309 --> 01:09:49,560
Like, she's not swimming.

1691
01:09:49,643 --> 01:09:52,438
She's just skating across the surface
on her fanny.

1692
01:09:52,521 --> 01:09:53,564
[laughter]

1693
01:09:53,647 --> 01:09:55,274
What do you do with your knees?

1694
01:09:55,357 --> 01:09:56,400
[laughter]

1695
01:09:56,901 --> 01:09:58,110
Cat's had a stroke.

1696
01:09:58,694 --> 01:10:00,279
[laughter]

1697
01:10:05,201 --> 01:10:08,787
This guy went, "Thank God you're
in the nude. I'm painting a landscape."

1698
01:10:08,871 --> 01:10:10,539
[laughter]

1699
01:10:13,667 --> 01:10:14,752
That's a big baby.

1700
01:10:14,835 --> 01:10:15,753
[laughter]

1701
01:10:15,836 --> 01:10:17,213
That is a chunker.

1702
01:10:17,296 --> 01:10:20,174
She would have had to pull the ripcord
on the Pouch of Douglas to fit that.

1703
01:10:20,257 --> 01:10:21,091
[popping sound]

1704
01:10:21,175 --> 01:10:22,760
[laughter]

1705
01:10:23,344 --> 01:10:24,678
This is the Venus of Willendorf.

1706
01:10:24,762 --> 01:10:28,474
She predates ancient Greek beauty ideals.
Do you know when this was carved?

1707
01:10:29,141 --> 01:10:30,893
Paleolithic times.

1708
01:10:30,976 --> 01:10:31,810
[laughter]

1709
01:10:31,894 --> 01:10:34,146
I'm on the paleo, motherfuckers.

1710
01:10:34,230 --> 01:10:35,689
I am on the paleo.

1711
01:10:35,773 --> 01:10:36,899
[laughter]

1712
01:10:36,982 --> 01:10:38,150
[cheering and applause]

1713
01:10:39,401 --> 01:10:42,154
This man is in Slytherin.

1714
01:10:42,238 --> 01:10:43,822
[laughter]

1715
01:10:44,365 --> 01:10:46,575
This man is in Hufflepuff.

1716
01:10:46,659 --> 01:10:47,743
[laughter]

1717
01:10:47,826 --> 01:10:49,954
Look, he's a famoso doctor.

1718
01:10:50,037 --> 01:10:51,413
[laughter]

1719
01:10:51,497 --> 01:10:54,500
"I'm Dr. Cock Biscotti. I wear two hats."

1720
01:10:54,583 --> 01:10:55,834
[laughter]

1721
01:10:58,170 --> 01:11:00,297
This is Karen, everybody. Here she is.

1722
01:11:00,381 --> 01:11:01,298
There's Kaz.

1723
01:11:01,382 --> 01:11:02,258
[laughter]

1724
01:11:02,758 --> 01:11:06,262
There she is, picking her basketful
of handfuls. Good on you, Kaz.

1725
01:11:06,929 --> 01:11:08,138
Still on the vine.

1726
01:11:08,639 --> 01:11:10,140
Keeps them fresher for longer.

1727
01:11:10,224 --> 01:11:12,017
[laughter]

1728
01:11:12,101 --> 01:11:13,310
Why this decision?

1729
01:11:13,394 --> 01:11:15,688
[laughter]

1730
01:11:15,771 --> 01:11:17,147
That is a decision!

1731
01:11:17,231 --> 01:11:18,107
[laughter]

1732
01:11:18,190 --> 01:11:20,192
That baby could be on the box.

1733
01:11:20,276 --> 01:11:23,570
He could be beside the box.
He could be a fucking penguin!

1734
01:11:23,654 --> 01:11:25,281
[laughter]

1735
01:11:25,364 --> 01:11:27,366
Why? That is a decision!

1736
01:11:27,449 --> 01:11:28,701
[laughter]

1737
01:11:28,784 --> 01:11:31,829
It's also the first known portrait
of Louis C.K.

1738
01:11:31,912 --> 01:11:33,414
[laughter]

1739
01:11:33,497 --> 01:11:34,999
[cheering and applause]

1740
01:11:36,375 --> 01:11:38,127
[cheering and applause intensifies]

1741
01:11:38,794 --> 01:11:40,838
["Douglas Douglass"
by Pearl and the Beard plays]

1742
01:11:40,921 --> 01:11:43,173
♪ Douglas Douglass, apple tree ♪

1743
01:11:43,257 --> 01:11:45,592
♪ Have a wife, now let her be ♪

1744
01:11:45,676 --> 01:11:47,970
♪ Give me, give me what you got ♪

1745
01:11:48,053 --> 01:11:50,222
♪ I'm gonna make you what you're not ♪

1746
01:11:52,933 --> 01:11:55,394
[cheering and applause continues]

1747
01:11:55,477 --> 01:11:57,396
♪ Douglas Douglass, prickly pear ♪

1748
01:11:57,479 --> 01:11:59,982
♪ Have a wife, but I don't care ♪

1749
01:12:00,065 --> 01:12:02,359
♪ Give me, give me all your soul ♪

1750
01:12:02,443 --> 01:12:04,820
♪ I'm gonna dip you in my bowl ♪

1751
01:12:04,903 --> 01:12:08,449
♪ Long way down ♪

1752
01:12:09,116 --> 01:12:13,871
♪ It's a long way down ♪

1753
01:12:13,954 --> 01:12:18,709
♪ It's a long way down ♪

1754
01:12:19,168 --> 01:12:22,212
♪ And he knows ♪

1755
01:12:26,300 --> 01:12:28,761
♪ Douglas Douglass, sticky pine ♪

1756
01:12:28,844 --> 01:12:31,347
♪ Have a wife, and that's just fine ♪

1757
01:12:31,430 --> 01:12:33,432
♪ Give me, give me what I need ♪

1758
01:12:33,515 --> 01:12:35,851
♪ You know I gots to plant your seed ♪